The Boston Red Sox yesterday received the jarring news that the famed Fenway Frank can no longer be legally described as a hot dog. Government regulators conducted extensive tests, and decided that the actual current size of the Fenway Frank—which seems to grow smaller each year—has deprived it of being classified as a hot dog.
“It was with deep regret that we broke this news to the Red Sox,” said Francis Furt, of the FDA. “A hot dog, by law, has to conceivably be a meal unto itself, and there are certain size requirements of which the Fenway Frank falls far short. It can be eaten in one bite, and when followed by a swig of beer or a soda, it literally dissolves in one’s mouth. The current status of what kind of meat is in The Fenway Frank is currently classified as undetermined.' The Fenway Frank, we’ve found, has now dropped to the classification of an hors d’oeuvre. We’ve found that even under the most meager standards of satiation, even a small child would need to eat five Fenway Franks to feel in any way full.”
“Why I can eat a Fenway Frank for lunch and feel full the rest of the day,” said the pencil-thin Red Sox owner John Henry. “No wait! I was thinking of the Dover Sole Meuniere with lemon and capers, sauté of spinach and onions and fingerling potatoes at Mistral. A Fenway Frank? Goodness gracious I don’t know how anyone could actually consume those execrable things. I go over every food order made in the Red Sox organization.” He stopped and shuddered for a moment. “I know what those things are made of.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
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