Call of the Green Monster

Aryan Nation Calls for the Return of Dennis and Callahan

Representatives of Aryan Nation held a press conference yesterday during which they called for the management of WEEI to return the Dennis and Callahan show to the airwaves immediately.
           “Of course we can still hear Red Sox talk in the morning on WEEI,” said an emotional  representative, “but without Brother Callahan and Brother Dennis’s special way of blending that talk with their particular blend of hatred directed at minorities, women, and anyone who doesn’t see the world with the same narrow vision they do, something’s missing.”  He paused for moment to compose himself, and gently wipe the tears from his eyes.
           “We beg Brother Callahan and Brother Dennis to take a little less money so that they can continue to spew the kind cruel and hateful humor that warms our hearts, puts a big smile on our face every day, and makes the world a little more divided,” he said.  “We’re willing to burn a cross on the lawn of WEEI, whatever it takes.  Brother Callahan and Brother Dennis have a gift.  Hatred and anger like that doesn’t come along every day—it’s special.  Bring them back!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Lucchino: Appealing to “Stupid” Fans is Good Business

There has been a gradual change at Fenway Park over the past few years.  It goes beyond the preponderance of pink hats: there are the outrageous actions of Manny Ramirez cutely being dismissed as “Manny Being Manny,” fans more intent on batting a beachball than watching a baseball game, and fans for whom the high point of the night is the singing of “Sweet Caroline” and doing “The Wave.”  One Boston writer dubbed Red Sox Nation “Nitwit Nation,” and others have questioned whether Red Sox fans are really as erudite as they are often credited. 
           “I hope they aren't,” said a playful Larry Lucchino with a mischievous wink.  “When we took over the Red Sox, we knew that if we were going to continue get people to come to pay ridiculous prices for seats, parking, souvenirs, and refreshments, we were going to have to reach out to what we very candidly refer to as the 'stupid segment' of our market.  It only makes sense.” 
           Lucchino goes on to explain that they have done extensive research to support this marketing strategy.  “Let me say unequivocally that the stupid fan is very important to us,” he says earnestly.  “We’ve done focus groups with hundreds of stupid fans to really get into their mindset and see what drives them.  For instance, we found that they’ll pay almost anything for a beer as long as there is no limit to how many they are served.  That’s why our policy is that no matter how drunk a fan is, if they can somehow manage to stagger their way to the concession stand—we’ll keep selling them beer.”  Lucchino said that research indicates that stupid fans don’t mind not having any recollection of the game.  “Hey, I love watching baseball, but who am I to tell someone what constitutes a fun time at the game?”
           Lucchino was asked if he has any regrets about phasing out the more learned fans, those who truly love the game, and not those who attend games just to make a fool out themselves.  “I just feel the stupid fan has been ignored for far too long,” Lucchino said, eyes misty and his voice quivering with emotion just a bit.  “To accommodate them, we will continue to raise ticket prices, let the alcohol flow, and keep those pink hats coming.  Hell, I’ll even throw down a few beachballs from my luxury box.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Trying to Get Some Value from Bloated Contract, Red Sox Put Matt Clement to Work

Matt Clement’s tenure with the Boston Red Sox has been a major disappointment for the organization and for the pitcher.  Signed to a bloated three-year contract, Clement had a fine first half season, and it’s been all downhill from there.  Beaned in the head by a line drive, inconsistent performances, and finally surgery that revealed massive shoulder damage.  Now, as the contract has almost expired, the Red Sox are trying to get some value out of Clement while he is still with the team.
           “Matty’s coming along real well,” Terry Francona said yesterday.  “He threw a ping-pong ball underhand from 10 feet yesterday.  Threw ten pitches and, lemme tell ya, it was really exciting.  The ball came out of his hand real well.  But he probably has a long way to go before he can pitch in a game, and the season is winding down.”
           Realizing this, Theo Epstein has put Clement to work cleaning up around the clubhouse, going on coffee runs for the players, and reading Manny Ramirez children’s books.  “Manny really loves Clifford the Big Red Dog,” Clement said.  “I don’t mind getting coffee for the guys, although, honestly, if there’s one guy in the world who doesn’t need coffee it’s Terry, and he asks for a 24-ounce espresso that he sprinkles some tobacco in.  That’s dangerous.”  At home games, Clement can often be seen in the bleachers trying to start The Wave.  “Mr. Henry loves The Wave, even though Fenway Park is the only place in the world where it’s still done.  So, he asked me to get it going, which I’m happy to do, no matter how foolish I feel.  Look at it this way, getting paid $8.5 million a year to do this isn’t all that bad.”
           Epstein feels the arrangement with Clement is going well.  “He’s making progress in his pitching, and really helping out running errands and leading the cheering,” he said.  “We might even look at bringing him back in this capacity—though it would be for more like $8.50 and hour, rather than $8.5 million a year.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Steinbrenner Has Left Detailed Instructions for Running Yankees After His Death

The reports on Yankees owner George Steinbrenner do not sound positive.  Rarely seen in public anymore, there are a plethora of rumors circulating that The Boss’s health is in decline.  This, of course, has led to speculation on what might become of the Yankees franchise were Steinbrenner to expire.  Call of the Green Monster has learned that Steinbrenner, despite believing that he is ultimately immortal, has proactively planned for how the Yankees are to be run for what he terms “the period of time during which I might be dead.”
           “Mr. Steinbrenner plans to be frozen if he should die,” said a source in the Yankees front office, “but ultimately believes he will return to life and fulfill his ultimate destiny to rule the world.  He has left instructions for how the Yankees organization should be run for the next hundred years—it’s completely ludicrous, but we’ll be obligated to follow it."  The preposterous plans call for doubling the payroll each year, trading all prized prospects for over-the-hill-veterans, and keeping ARod.  "He believes within 100 years medical science will be able to restore him in a youthful presence." Would he consider signing fellow-frozen man Ted Williams?  "No, no Red Sox" said the source.  "Unbeknownst to their families, Mr. Steinbrenner has had all the Yankee greats exhumed and frozen.  He believes they'll all join him one day to create the ultimate Yankees dynasty. He will then proceed with plans to overtake the world.”
           When informed of Steinbrenner’s plans, John Henry laughed heartily.  “Oh, I do wish George well, and I’m sorry that he’s apparently in ill health,” he said with a tinge of sympathy.  “But modern research indicates there’s no need to die and be frozen and wait for medical science to discover the path to immortality.  My, my so primitive.  No, the secret is right in your own backyard.  Tree bark!  Yes, this is the fountain of life, my friends.  Ingest several pounds of it a day, and your immune system will become a fortress that can combat any disease.   Why, in the hundred years before George returns, we’ll have won more World Series championships than the Yankees.  And then, the battle will be on for all eternity!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Joe Castiglione Still Doesn’t Know New Sox Broadcasters

He has been the radio voice of the Boston Red Sox for the past 25 years, and for the past several years worked with colleague and friend Jerry Trupiano.  However, at the end of last season, Trupiano was let go by the Red Sox, and two younger partners have taken over, alternating games.  All of this has led to much confusion for Castiglione, who loves to focus on the game, supply fans with endless “interesting anecdotes,” and often gets overly excited about Red Sox fly balls that end up being shallow outs.  When asked yesterday how things were going with his new partners Glenn Gefner and Dave O’Brien, Castiglione seemed perplexed.
           “Who the hell are they?” he asked.  “Oh, oh, wait, you mean those guys in the booth with me.  Aren’t they interns or something?  I ask them to get me coffee and they just stare at me, so I’m not exactly happy about it.  And I don’t understand why they let them on the air with me…they never shut up.”
           On the air, the Castiglione/Gefner/O’Brien relationship seems strange indeed.  Moments after Gefner or O’Brien give out a statistic, Castiglione will often obliviously repeat the same stat, before launching into one of his trademark stories such as how Woodland, California, Dustin Pedroia’s hometown, is the country’s number two manufacturer of ice cream cones, or that Coco Crisp is leading the team in fouling the ball into the opposing team’s dugout.
           “Both Glenn and I have tried to introduce ourselves to Joe to establish a relationship,” O’Brien explains.  “It’s not that he’s unfriendly, he just seems to be in another world.  When I first met him, he said, ‘Dave O’Brien?  Dave O’Brien was of course a promising prospect in the Dodgers organization in the late 50s, but during the offseason accidentally hammered a nail into his pitching hand while building a summer cottage and was never the same.’  It’s hard to have a conversation with him without it dissolving into incredibly boring baseball trivia.”
           “I can’t believe those two kids are actually supposed to be my broadcast partners,” Castiglione explained.  “They have no idea who the top left-handed pinch hitters were in the 1964 American League.  Can you believe it?”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com