Though Trot Nixon, beloved figure in Red Sox lore, now wears the hat of another team, Call of the Green Monster has learned that one thing about Nixon has not changed: according to well-placed sources, Nixon’s baseball cap, though now adorned with an apparently culturally insensitive Native American logo, has reached an all-time high level of filthiness.
“The combination of perspiration, rotted tobacco, bacteria, and some other toxins from playing a series in Yankee Stadium has brought Trot’s hat to a dangerously high level of filth,” said a source within the Indians’ front office. “Like the Red Sox, we’ve tried to speak to Trot about basic hygiene, but it’s been a slow learning process. We like to hold J.D. Drew up as an example. Always pristine looking, never a speck of dirt on his uniform, and, we’ve heard, he bathes between innings.”
Nixon seems baffled by the fuss. “Man, I bring that hat home every night, and it kills every bug that comes into my house,” he notes. “When we moved into our new house in Cleveland, there were a couple of cockroaches there. They just tumbled right over and died the second I brought that hat in. It’s organic, natural. J.D. saw it and he practically fainted.”
Terry Francona remains pragmatic when discussing Nixon. “He might look like Pigpen from those Charlie Brown cartoons, but I love Trot,” he says. “Man, that’s some beautiful filth, I’ll tell ya.”