To anyone with common sense, it was fairly clear that Roger Clemens may have had some chemical assistance in having some of his best years during the twilight of his career. When steroid testing was announced, Clemens decided to adopt a policy of sitting out the first few months of the season to evade testing. With that out of the way, he announced yesterday he is ready to become a Yankee.
“That whole steroid testing thing done make this all complicated like,” said the ever-articulate Clemens, after signing a half-year $185 million contract to return to the Yankees. “With that testing out of the way, I’m set to return. Lemme tell ya, I can’t wait to join all my teammates on the disabled list with hamstring injuries. It shouldn’t take me too long.”
Clemens said that the Red Sox lost interest in Clemens when he openly admitted his steroid use. “They get sensitive about that,” said a bewildered Clemens. “Hell, the Yankees told me they could set me up with some of the best dealers in New York.”
Clemens will only have to appear in uniform when pitching, and the team agreed to provide clubhouse access to his family, friends, and neighbors. They also agreed to make Jorge Posada a back-up and immediately insert Clemens’ son Koby—a struggling minor league catcher in the Astros system— into the starting lineup. With all that in place Clemens made the announcement in front the throng of drunken lunatics at Yankee Stadium—while the silhouette of George Steinbrenner could be seen standing behind him, gun to his head.
“It’ll be great to have my kid catching me, and I’m looking forward to working with Don Zimmer again too,” Clemens noted, referring to the former coach who left the Yankees four years ago. “I can’t wait to beat the Red Sox and get back at Dan Duquette. It’ll be great!”