Last year, it was non-stop torment for Alex Rodriguez. Booed relentlessly by Yankees fans at nearly every at-bat, the lightly mascaraed purse-clutching third baseman seemed to wear down and play some of his worst baseball ever. While this was a source of never-ending delight to Red Sox fans, Yankees officials have realized that if the world’s most famous slapper is ever to thrive in pinstripes, they must take action.
“Simply put,” said Brian Cashman yesterday, “fans need to be nice to Alex.” And what better way to jump-start that effort than to initiate “Be Nice to ARod Day” at Yankee Stadium. In order to entice fans to be nice to ARod, stadium officials will give each fan a coupon that can be redeemed after the game that gives fans either a weapon or a bottle of liquor.
“Since most Yankees fans are inherently violent and heavy drinkers, we figured this will be a great incentive for them to come to the game,” a Yankees official said off the record. “They only get the reward if the day is a success. Of course, we don’t give them the reward until after the game. Otherwise, we’d risk mass carnage.”
Ticket sales, however, remain very slow. A recent surge in sales revealed that ARod himself bought thousands of tickets. Cashman talked him into returning them. “I know the ballpark would have been mostly empty if I bought all the tickets,” ARod sniffled. “But at least those dastardly fans would leave me alone for a day.”