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In a horrible misunderstanding, the entire staff of Call of the Green Monster has been jailed. We were falsely charged with placing a surveillance device on the man who played Santa Claus at the Red Sox private Christmas party. Apparently several people were offended. While we are completely innocent of these charges, we will have some interesting stories for you in 2007. This should all be cleared up after the New Year. See you then.
A confused Manny Ramirez told Call of the Green Monster yesterday that he was thrilled the team had signed Japanese pitching sensation Daisuke Matsuzaka, and that to welcome his new teammate he planned to take some language lessons. “I signed up to take some Chinese lessons, so I can talk to this guy a little bit,” Ramirez said. “You know, I want to him make him feel welcome, say hello to him in his language, and maybe go out and get some egg rolls together.”
When informed that Matsuzaka is from Japan, and not China, Ramirez seemed a bit confused and agitated. “Look, man, it doesn’t matter what part of China he comes from. It’s the same language, dude. If I talk to someone from California, we don’t need no translator.”
A Red Sox source explained that in general Ramirez considers anyone from an Asian country to be Chinese. “Manny doesn’t do too well with differentiating the nationalities,” the source said. “He finds it all too confusing. Heck, his wife is Brazilian, and he thinks Brazil is part of Puerto Rico.”
Informed of Manny’s confusion, Matsuzaka, speaking through a translator, didn’t seem concerned. “I heard the guy’s a great hitter,” he said. “If he hits 30 homeruns and knocks in 120 runs, I don’t care if he thinks I’m from the North Pole.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
With the enormous amounts of money spent this offseason, the Red Sox front office once again find themselves scrambling for revenue sources to make up for the small ballpark. The team anticipates that thousands of fans from Japan will be looking to come to Fenway to see fellow country Daisuke Matsuzaka, but with games already sold-out, there would appear to be no way to take advantage of this potential goldmine.
“Then it hit me,” said a smiling Larry Lucchino. “Why are we sticking to this antiquated system of selling tickets for an entire game? Fans are so desperate to see the Red Sox, they would gladly pay full admission just to see an inning. And we’re only too happy to accommodate.”
Hence the Red Sox have completely scrapped their entire ticketing system, and will now sell tickets on an inning-by-inning basis. “We’ll hardly be able to keep up with all the money,” Lucchino cackled, greedily rubbing his hands together. Plans call for the park to be emptied at the end of every inning, with a new 35,000 fans quickly shuffled in and seated during the break. “It’ll be a little hectic,” Lucchino admitted. “But, hey, when those thousands upon thousands of fans are outside the park broiling in the hot sun waiting to get inside, just think of all the concessions they’ll buy. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this years ago!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
He had won so many contract battles against the Red Sox. He outfoxed them in the Johnny Damon saga, and often had them bidding against themselves in other deals, as was most recently the case with the J.D. Drew signing. But in the Dice-K Matsuzaka negotiations, the Red Sox stared the satanic Boras down and beat him at his own game. Boras spent the evening whimpering in a Boston hotel, until a nefarious idea popped into his head.
“‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’ has always been one of my favorite movies,” Boras said, also citing The Exorcist, and The Devil’s Advocate among favorites. “Not for the inspirational finish, but for what an incredibly greedy, cold-hearted fiend Mr. Grinch was.” With that, Boras ordered all members of his powerful agency to drop what they were doing and get to work on stopping Christmas from coming.
“It will bring me back into the spotlight,” he said, tears in his eyes. “An act of unmitigated heartlessness…unprecedented mean-spiritedness. It will be difficult to pull off--some might even say impossible--but look at the contracts I’ve gotten over the years. I can do this. Santa is a wimp.”
And what possible benefit could come from it? How could he feel good about it?
“Well,” he said pragmatically, “I’d feel good about it because I got humiliated by the Red Sox and need an act of spectacular evil to get me back up on the pedestal of king supreme of sports agents. What do I get out of it? If I plan this properly, I get every Christmas gift that was meant for little kids across the world. What could be better than that?”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
Red Sox officials confirmed today that newly signed outfielder J.D. Drew was injured while taking a physical for the Red Sox today. Drew evidently stubbed his toe while stepping up to the examination table, and is expected to miss most of Spring Training and perhaps much of the regular season.
“It was a freak accident,” said a Red Sox official. “There was some swelling on the small toe on his right foot. There was also a slight abrasion, though it did not infiltrate the surface of the skin. We expect a full recovery, and this will not in anyway impact the signing of the contract.”
Theo Epstein brushed aside speculation that this was yet another strong piece of evidence that Drew is forever destined to have an injury prone career. “We have reams of statistical data that can tell you that injuries during physicals are fairly common,” he explained. “Even if he misses most of this year, the $14 million we’ll be paying him will be money well spent as he gets acclimated to Boston and gets to know some of the most understanding and compassionate fans in all of baseball.”
Meanwhile, the Red Sox were contemplating signing Trot Nixon to fill in for Drew, but Nixon suffered an apparent back injury while driving to the physical. “Some Dirt Dog,” sniffed Epstein. “At least J.D. made it to the physical.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
