Roger Clemens’ Extended Practical Joke on the City of Boston Finally Ends
Roger Clemens sat back in his favorite chair at his home in Katy, Texas shortly after signing with the Houston Astros, and had a long, loud laugh. He opened a bottle of Lone Star beer and spit out his tobacco (into his beer, unbeknownst to him) and thought about the hilarious practical joke he had played on the Boston Red Sox over the past few months. “I remember the time I put jalapeño sauce in Butch Hobson’s coffee,” he reminisced with a giggle as he sipped his beer, “or the time I put crazy glue on Lou Gorman’s chair and he couldn’t get up for days. Actually, Lou didn’t seem to mind all that much. But what I done here with the Red Sox for the past few months? Man, that’s the best joke I ever done in my life. Will McDonough’s gonna be all over me for this one, but it was worth it.”
Clemens estimates that by sucking the Red Sox into the negotiations with the false hope that he might actually end his career in Boston, he put a few million dollars more in his pocket. “So let’s get this straight,” he said, trying to control his laughter. “Some people actually thought that at this point in my career I’d come to Boston, to get fried like a pig on a stick every time I lose a game? To have them talk shows all makin’ fun a’ me, people booin' me when I choke against the Yankees, and worst of all, lookin’ at Shaughnessy’s face again…they thought that was how I was gonna end my career? Hell no, I'm stayin' right here to play for a mediocre team that's goin' nowhere. I might be stupid, but I ain’t that stupid. Wait a minute....”
Clemens said that the life style of playing for the Astros in the weakened National League is just a tad more comfortable than being in Boston. “Hell, I drink beer all night, sleep ‘till noon, and go out and beat some Little League team like Florida or Pittsburgh in my sleep. Half the teams are lousy! I show up whenever I want, my kids are all guaranteed minor league contracts whether they’re good or not, and there’s way more waffle houses down here any old way. And get this, they promised me a job in the front office! Me! What the hell kind of strategic thinkin' they expectin’ from a guy who signed with Toronto ‘cause it’s closer to Texas than Boston.”
The Rocket also feels the fans are more accommodating. “There’s some nasty people in Boston,” he says. “Here, when I get shelled, they all yell out ‘We love you Roger,’ and name their pit bulls after you n’ stuff. In Boston, they throw things at you, paint funny faces on your car, and threaten your family. No, I ain’t goin’ near Boston. We end up playin' them in the World Series, I’m pullin’ my hammy and retirin’ again. Then, next year, the biddin' war starts all over again. Hey, tell John Henry I just might come to Boston!”
