While the Red Sox recently played an important three-game set against the New York Yankees in Yankee Stadium, David Wells and his newest protege, Coco Crisp, could be found inside a ramshackle dive in the Bronx known as Buster’s Gristle House. Despite the fact that there had been three murders committed in the establishment in that week alone, Wells rode his motorcycle right through the front door, with Coco riding on the back. Crisp then followed the advice of his mentor by putting various forms of barbecue sauce on the deep-fried animal fat that is Buster’s specialty. The two washed down the food with several of Buster’s famous Jalapeño vodkas, before staggering out sometime during the fifth inning to head for desert at Mario’s House of Fried Dough.
By the time the Sox stormed the clubhouse after a riveting victory to take two of three from the Yankees, they were treated to the gruesome sight of Crisp having his stomach pumped by Sox trainers, while Wells laughingly labeled him a “novice.” “Hurry up, Coco my man,” Wells shrieked. “The night is young, let's go!”
“David was a very bad influence on Coco during his time on the DL,” admitted Theo Epstein, who attributed Crisp’s recent bout with kidney stones to the awful diet Wells has inflicted upon him. “Bad enough that David ignores our dietary advice, but to try to influence an impressionable young man like Coco is just unconscionable.”
Epstein went on to say that Wells’s bad influence wasn’t only food related. “One night Coco was picked up riding David’s motorcycle naked through the combat zone, something David does all the time,” Epstein said, shaking his head in disgust. “David evidently told him it would be a cathartic experience that would help him transcend to a new level of consciousness. All it did was get him arrested.” Wells has also encouraged Crisp to “toughen up” by getting into the same kind of bar fights the pitcher is famous for, but Crisp has declined due to his finger injury. He also declined Well’s invitation to hop into the lion cage at Franklin Park Zoo, which Wells told him was “such a rush.”
“Coco’s basically a wimp,” Wells said one afternoon at breakfast, as he finished his hot dog and beer. “I’m working on him, but it’s a tough go. Theo wants him back on the field, but I’m more concerned with his emotional development. What I’m essentially putting him through is a series of character-building exercises.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
