It started with him eating Jason Varitek’s catcher’s mitt after an ill-advised decision to fire a barrage of obscenities at the Sox catcher. Then, the ultimate: the infamous girly-slap at a crucial moment of the 2004 ALCS. Subsequently, the internet is rife with images that portray Alex Rodriguez in a less-than-masculine manner, and the Yankee third baseman has had enough.
“I have engaged the PR firm Manly Brute Images to shed me of this ridiculous feminine persona that some mean people have hoisted upon me,” said Arod, wiping away a tear with a monogrammed handkerchief. “That’s right,” said David Brand, CEO of Manly Brute Images, while snatching the handkerchief out of Arod’s hand and giving him a tissue. “We’re going to get all those images of Alex wearing a purse, or wearing lipstick, or even mascara—off the internet. That will be a huge step toward getting on the right track.”
“But David, darling,” Arod interrupted with a playful smile, “let’s be honest, shall we? I do use a foundational mascara to combat the simply deplorable glare…”
“From now on you’ll be seeing Alex wearing that black grease below his eyes, the kind rugged baseball and football players wear,” Brand said. “You can’t get any more manly than that.”
“Now you see here, David,” said a miffed ARod. “I simply will not put that reprehensible, dirty grease on my delicate face! I have facial firmness issues that…”
“We’re also working with Alex on knowing when not to speak,” Brand continued tensely, glaring at ARod while gently pushing him off to the side. “The strong silent image is the essence of manliness, and we’re trying…”
“Daviiiiiiiid,” ARod sang out, interrupting the CEO. “I will not be told when to speak and not speak. That’s what that dreadful Jason Varitek did to me, and, honestly, I’ve never recovered from the humiliation of that traumatic event.” ARod began to gently weep again.
“But you will, Alex,” Brand said, reassuringly. “We’re going to work with you on all of this.”
“Work? Good heavens, no! My talents are God-given. I simply abhor hard work. I wouldn’t want to risk…”
“Oh, forget this whole thing!” screamed a frustrated Brand, looking disgustedly at a whimpering ARod. “I mean, are you the biggest wimp who ever walked on this planet or what? And stop crying!”
“Uncalled for! Hurtful! Unacceptable!”
“Alex, you can keep all the money, man,” Brand said, while packing up his materials to leave. “No wonder no team can win a World Series with you around. The kids on my daughter’s toddler tee-ball team are tougher than you are.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com
