With Eyes on Hazel Mae, Derek Lowe Hopes to Rejoin Red Sox

To many, it was a sad tale.  Derek Lowe left the Red Sox last year as a free agent after starring in the postseason, winning clinching games in the ALDS, ALCS, and World Series.  Signing with the Dodgers, he fell on hard times in L.A., and ended up leaving his wife and children to have an affair with a Fox Sports Net sportscaster who was covering the Dodgers.  Lowe's broken-hearted wife went public with the affair, as did the sportscaster’s spurned husband.
           During a recent visit to Boston, Derek Lowe happened to catch a NESN program, and witnessed the anchor of NESN’s “Sports Desk,” the very talented and attractive Hazel Mae.  Suddenly, the Fox Sports Net sportscaster was a distant memory.  “Yowsa!” Lowe shrieked to a Call of the Green Monster source as he looked at Mae. “What a babe! I-am-in-love!” he sang. When informed that Mae, in a recent interview, said that she felt no restrictions on dating athletes, Lowe quickly made up his mind.  “I’m coming back to Boston, dude,” he said determinedly.  “No matter what it takes.”  And as for his sweetheart in L.A?  "Which one?...Uh...I mean we'll work it out..."      

          Upon flying back to L.A., the smitten Lowe stormed into the office of owner Frank McCourt and announced, “Rip up my contract, you don’t owe me a cent.  Hell, I’ll pay you the $27 million you owe me.  Just let me go back to Boston, pleeeeease! Believe me, I’ll cause you too much grief for your own good. Just ask the Red Sox.”  While McCourt said he’d ponder Lowe’s offer, Lowe quickly got on the phone to the Red Sox front office.  “No more late nights out drinking, no more negative body language on the mound, no more looking brilliant one night and stinking out the joint the next night…I swear, I’ll be a new man.  Just get me this Hazel Mae babe’s number, and I’ll play for free.  All I ask is that you put in a good word for me.”
           When apprised of Lowe’s affections for her, Mae rolled her eyes and seemed singularly unimpressed.  “Okay, so I said I’d date athletes, and went on sports radio and told them I was wearing my WEEI thong.  But, Derek Lowe?  I mean, do I need to clarify?  Okay, then I meant I’d date emotionally stable athletes.  Non-basket-case athletes.  Athletes who don’t dump there wife and three kids for the bimbo de jour.  Do me a favor, if Derek’s got my number, tell him I moved to Mongolia.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com