Call of the Green Monster

Against All Advice, Bronson Arroyo Signed with Sox

As Bronson Arroyo neared signing a three-year contract with the Red Sox, his agents made it clear to the public that he was doing so against their advice.  They disassociated themselves from the process, and made it clear that they felt Bronson was leaving himself vulnerable to a trade, rather than securing his place in the city he loves.  Call of the Green Monster has learned that several other people close to Arroyo also were wary of the deal.
           “I think he was an imbecile to sign the deal,” said a smug John Henry with a shrug.  “I deal in investments, and Bronson didn’t make a wise investment for himself, but a very wise one for us.”  He wiggled his eyebrows up and down and laughed maniacally.
            “We feel it was a very prudent idea for Bronson to sign,” former co-GMs Ben Cherington and Jed Hoyer said together, stifling giggles as they spoke.  Did they give Bronson assurances he would not be traded, as Arroyo asserted?  “We told him we didn’t want to trade him and that we wouldn’t put him in a position where a trade might or might not happen where he would be in a position to agree or disagree to such a trade in the event that it might or might not happen.  He got so confused by our wording that he just signed the contract, which was our goal.”
           Call of the Green Monster has also learned that not only was Arroyo’s wife also against the deal, but that his parents, siblings, and even his grandmother advised him against it.  “Grammy Arroyo was actually pretty persuasive,” he said.  “She told me they’d trade me to some small market team looking for a bargain pitcher, and my career would go down the drain. Then she whacked me in the back of the head.  She really loves me.”  Emails also poured in from around the country, most of them with titles like, "Dumbass!"  or "What were you thinking?"
           Ultimately, Arroyo himself admits it was a dimwitted contract for him to sign.  “Look my music career is tanking, and this city is the only place I can get gigs,” he explained.  “Even if they ship me off to Tampa Bay, I can fly back here and do a gig in some dive in Lowell any time.  It’s worth it to me, dude.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Tension High During Epstein-Lucchino Meetings with Media

In an attempt to show the media that all was well in the front office with the return from exile of Theo Epstein, Epstein and Larry Lucchino talked with several media outlets yesterday to explain the new era of love and compassion that will be the guiding principle of this organization.  Theo smiled; Larry smiled.  Larry poured Theo coffee; Theo spread the cream cheese on Larry’s bagel.  They smiled some more.  There were rumors of a hug.
           But as the day wound down, Epstein and Lucchino (or, as Larry prefers, Lucchino and Epstein) seemed to wear down a bit.  It was with no shortage of fatigue that they made their last stop of the day in the Call of the Green Monster main offices (at an undisclosed location due to possible legal implications).  Theo was answering the first question about the new spirit of cooperation in the front office, when it appeared that Larry might have rolled his eyes.
            “I…I’m sorry, Larry,” Theo said cautiously.  “Did I misrepresent something?  I thought I saw you roll your eyes.”
           “Oh, no, not at all, Theo,” said a nervous Lucchino.  “Just a wee bit tired is all.”
           “Perfectly understandable, boss,” said a thoughtful Epstein. “Anyway, as I was saying, the past few months have provided us all with a wonderful opportunity to share, listen, and grow together.  In this new spirit of togetherness, we see a path through which we can transcend any obstacle, reach any height, and take our organization to a new day, one in which…”
           “Okay, Theo, point made,” Larry said softly, face noticeably tightening.
           Theo sighed, and looked tersely at Lucchino.  “Apparently there was a problem with my previous remark.”
           “Not at all,” Lucchino said carefully.  “I just think you’ve made the point, very clearly and exhaustively, and we can move on.”
           “Well I think it’s important to be clear, and not obfuscate, as you did earlier.”
           “Obfuscate!” said a clearly enraged Lucchino.  “Wow!  Such a big word.  Did you learn that in middle school or high school?  Wait!  You’re the boy wonder, you probably learned it in first grade.”
           “I simply won’t tolerate that tone, Larry,” Theo countered, bristling.  “Remember the rules of communication our therapist spoke of.  No mocking, no tearing down, and no references to my age.”
           “I’d like to tear this whole crazy arrangement down…”
           “Fine!”
           Just then John Henry came crashing through the door, with a big smile on his face.  “Take it easy, guys, it’s been a long day,” he said putting his arms around each man. “Remember, we take this one day at a time.”
           “There was a clear level of disrespect,” Theo noted.
           “Get this uppity twerp away from me,” Lucchino fumed.
           “As you can see,” Henry explained to Call of the Green Monster, cutting off the Epstein-Lucchino dialog and separating them, “this is a work in progress.  The main thing to remember is that we're all on the same page, here.  It may be a big page, but we're all on the same one.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

John Henry: Theo Just Wouldn’t Go Away

It is etched in the minds of Red Sox Nation.  Theo Epstein, who many figured would be GM for life, abruptly left the Red Sox on Halloween day in a gorilla suit.  Perfectly ordinary.  But what wasn’t so ordinary were the subsequent reports that Theo kept coming back to his office; that he was giving advice to the “co-GMs”; and that he was serving as John Henry’s advisor.  In an exclusive interview with Call of the Green Monster, the only reputable sports news source in Boston, John Henry talked about the strange sequence of events that led to Theo Epstein’s “return.”
           “The little pest simply wouldn’t go away,” Henry explained.  “Right after the press conference when he announced his departure, I told the media that Theo was like a son to me.  Worst mistake of my life.  He comes into my office, tears in his eyes, and asks me if he can start calling me ‘Daddy’.   I told him ‘Hell, no!’ so we compromised on ‘Dad.’”  Henry then explained that after the press conference he figured that would be the end of seeing Theo.  “But no!  He was like a pesky mosquito that you can’t squash, buzzing in your ear driving you batty.  He kept coming to the office every day, recommending trades—some of which we ended up making—buying new furniture, and telling on Larry.  Yes, telling, like a little kid.  He’d come by my office and say, ‘Larry was mean to me!’ or ‘Larry wouldn’t listen to me!’ and things like that.  So finally one day I go to him and I say, ‘Theo, you resigned from the team, remember?  What the hell are you still doing here?  Time to move on, son.  Take that lousy band of yours on tour, become a social worker, or take a pilgrimage to some rain forest and find yourself.  Whatever—just go!’” And he says, ‘Well, Dad, if Larry will be nicer to me, I’ll come back.’”
           Henry at first was adamantly opposed to bringing him back, and eventually resorted to having security remove him from Fenway Park.  “But every day he’s calling me on the phone, saying ‘Please, Dad, please?’”  That’s when we agreed that if he stopped this ridiculous ‘Dad’ crap, I’d take him back.  Now the problem is trying to figure out exactly how he works as GM without making Larry mad.  If you think Theo can whine, you’ve never heard Larry.”  Henry paused for a moment, reflectively.  “Sometimes I wish I were back owning the Marlins, where nobody cared about anything and you could do whatever the hell you wanted without anybody noticing.  Sometimes I think being the owner of the Red Sox is…I hate to say it…a curse.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Angered by Another Shaughnessy Column, Theo Resigns Again

For the second time in three months, Theo Epstein, on the verge of coming to terms on a new agreement with the Red Sox, has become so enraged by a Dan Shaughnessy (Larry Lucchino’s new pseudonym) column that he has decided to once again resign from the team.  Shaughnessy’s Friday column claimed that Epstein was at worst duplicitous, and at best immature.
           “I really get mad when he calls me immature,” a fuming Epstein said early this morning, while building a snowman in his parent’s backyard.  “I know Larry was behind that column; well I’ll show them.  It’s back on tour with Pearl Jam and goodbye Red Sox for me.”  Epstein then asked this reporter for a carrot for his snowman’s nose, and said he had no further comment.
           Shaughnessy, who for years collected paychecks from WEEI sports radio and now thrusts his nose in the air in disdain of it, could rightfully be called the walking embodiment of duplicity, but said that he stands by his words.  “I guess you can call me duplicitous,” he sneered earlier this morning, while throwing snowballs at children as they walked to their bus stops.  “But I prefer cruel, mean-spirited, and even evil.  As for that sniveling little weasel Epstein, you tell him that he’s not coming back to the Red Sox on equal terms with my man Larry.”  When informed of Epstein’s impending resignation, Shaughnessy yelped with glee, before tripping two toddlers walking on the slippery sidewalk.
           “By the way,” Epstein said, in a phone call minutes later, “I’ll still leave the door open to returning to the Red Sox.  Get that big bully Shaughnessy out of there and ship Larry out of town.”  Epstein then said he refused further comment on the matter.  “I wouldn’t have made any press conference today anyway,” he said.  “Check out the snow, dude.  It’s a perfect day for sledding.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Francona to Ban All Pets from Locker Room

He is known as a player’s manager.  Terry Francona firmly believes that one of the keys to maintaining harmony on his baseball team is to try to keep the players happy.  One way Francona has tried to do this is by allowing the players to keep their pets in the locker room before and after games.  But the manager recently revealed he believes that the policy has caused more harm than good, and during the 2006 season will ban all pets from the clubhouse.
           “I definitely want the fellas to be as comfortable as possible,” Francona explained, “and I know that many of them are very close to their pets.  But we had too much chaos in here this year with all the animals running around.”   While most players bring dogs, cats, or tropical fish, Francona said he was none too happy when Manny Ramirez started bringing his pet llama to the clubhouse.  “That just got ridiculous when we had that thing trotting around, knocking everything over,” the skipper said.  “Then that knucklehead Millar has to try to one-up him, so he brings in his horse.  Between the noise and the smell it just got out of hand.”
           Tragedy also struck.  “Billy Mueller had the cutest little gerbil you’ve ever seen,” Francona explained, “but one day the thing got out of its cage.  Meanwhile, Mirabelli’s got the most vicious cat around, and the thing eats that gerbil up quicker n’ you could blink.  Then, wouldn’t you know it, Trot Nixon’s rottweiler sees the cat, and…well, you can just finish that story yourself.  Those three guys didn’t talk to each other for weeks.”
           But the biggest problem of all came from a parrot that caused quite a controversy.  “This parrot was the loudest thing you’ve ever heard,” Francona said, shaking his head.  “Out of the blue the thing starts insulting Curt Schilling, saying the fans give him a free pass and all that.”   He went on to explain that it caused a lot of grief for Schilling, but, mysteriously, no one was quite sure who the bird belonged to.  “Some people said it belonged to Foulke, some Millar, some Johnny Damon,” he said.  Then he paused, and rubbed his eyes.  “I just don’t need this aggravation.  No more pets.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

With Eyes on Hazel Mae, Derek Lowe Hopes to Rejoin Red Sox

To many, it was a sad tale.  Derek Lowe left the Red Sox last year as a free agent after starring in the postseason, winning clinching games in the ALDS, ALCS, and World Series.  Signing with the Dodgers, he fell on hard times in L.A., and ended up leaving his wife and children to have an affair with a Fox Sports Net sportscaster who was covering the Dodgers.  Lowe's broken-hearted wife went public with the affair, as did the sportscaster’s spurned husband.
           During a recent visit to Boston, Derek Lowe happened to catch a NESN program, and witnessed the anchor of NESN’s “Sports Desk,” the very talented and attractive Hazel Mae.  Suddenly, the Fox Sports Net sportscaster was a distant memory.  “Yowsa!” Lowe shrieked to a Call of the Green Monster source as he looked at Mae. “What a babe! I-am-in-love!” he sang. When informed that Mae, in a recent interview, said that she felt no restrictions on dating athletes, Lowe quickly made up his mind.  “I’m coming back to Boston, dude,” he said determinedly.  “No matter what it takes.”  And as for his sweetheart in L.A?  "Which one?...Uh...I mean we'll work it out..."      

          Upon flying back to L.A., the smitten Lowe stormed into the office of owner Frank McCourt and announced, “Rip up my contract, you don’t owe me a cent.  Hell, I’ll pay you the $27 million you owe me.  Just let me go back to Boston, pleeeeease! Believe me, I’ll cause you too much grief for your own good. Just ask the Red Sox.”  While McCourt said he’d ponder Lowe’s offer, Lowe quickly got on the phone to the Red Sox front office.  “No more late nights out drinking, no more negative body language on the mound, no more looking brilliant one night and stinking out the joint the next night…I swear, I’ll be a new man.  Just get me this Hazel Mae babe’s number, and I’ll play for free.  All I ask is that you put in a good word for me.”
           When apprised of Lowe’s affections for her, Mae rolled her eyes and seemed singularly unimpressed.  “Okay, so I said I’d date athletes, and went on sports radio and told them I was wearing my WEEI thong.  But, Derek Lowe?  I mean, do I need to clarify?  Okay, then I meant I’d date emotionally stable athletes.  Non-basket-case athletes.  Athletes who don’t dump there wife and three kids for the bimbo de jour.  Do me a favor, if Derek’s got my number, tell him I moved to Mongolia.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Sox Take Measures to Control Tavarez’ Anger Issues

When co-GMs Ben Cherington and Jed Hoyer walked to the podium to announce the signing of fiery relief pitcher Julian Tavarez yesterday, they were glowing with pride as they stood with the newest addition to the Sox bullpen.  Tavarez waved and smiled warmly to the media, even blowing kisses at one point.
          “We are so happy to announce the signing of Julian,” Hoyer and Cherington said.  “He gives us another strong set-up man who can pitch nearly every day.”  When questioned about the anger issues that have plagued Tavarez’s career, which include breaking his hand while punching a phone, throwing at opposing player’s heads, and making homophobic remarks, Hoyer and Cherington said they are dealing proactively with those issues.  “He’s mildly sedated now, as you can tell from that kind of silly smile on his face, but we have some state-of-the-art systems in place to help him deal with this anger,” they said. 
           As the press conference wore on, Tavarez’s medication appeared to wear off slightly.  When asked about punching a phone, he bared his teeth at the questioning reporter, hissed, and then snarled, “Careful, or I punch you too!”  At that point a slight crackling noise could be heard and Tavarez jumped slightly.  The media watched quizzically.
           “One of the ways we’re helping Julian deal with his anger is to administer a very mild shock when his behavior is inappropriate,” Hoyer and Cherington explained.  When Tavarez swore at them moments later, another shock and accompanying jump was witnessed, and when he threateningly shook his fist at them, another.
           “We feel this will ultimately lead to…” Hoyer and Cherington began, then simultaneously jumped to an accompanying crackling sound.  Both reached down for the shock-administering devices they were using, only to see that Tavarez now had them.
           “Ah ha!  How do you like it?” he screamed, smashing the podium, as the media rushed in a panic out of the room.  Hoyer and Cherington continued to intermittently jump, while Tavarez laughed maniacally.  “Oh, this is fun.  I don’t feel angry no more!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Sox Prepared to Start Season with No Shortstop

In a shocking announcement yesterday, Red Sox co-GMs Ben Cherington and Jed Hoyer said that if it came to it, they were quite comfortable beginning the season with no one playing shortstop for the Sox.  Hoyer and Cherington made the announcement together, speaking simultaneously in a show of unity.
           “Everybody is so worried about what we’re going to do at shortstop,” laughed a smug Cherington after making the announcement.  “Sure, Alex Cora is a possibility, and we might even make a trade for a shortstop.  But let me…us…state quite clearly that we are perfectly comfortable with no one playing shortstop.  Hoyer then explained that the team had reams of statistical evidence to back up its claim that a shortstop, while a convenience, is certainly not a necessity.     “You could well argue that we played without a shortstop last year and still won 95 games,” argued Hoyer, referring to the calcified Edgar Renteria and his 30 errors.  “For crying out loud, we paid another team $11 million to take our shortstop away, so I think that was a pretty strong statement that we believe we can make it without a shortstop.  Who knows?  Maybe we’ll play with four outfielders instead.”
           When it was pointed out that the team also does not currently have a centerfielder—hence only two outfielders—Cherington and Hoyer, nodding at the same time, acknowledged that that could be a problem.  “Statistical data does indicate that you need a centerfielder or you’re going to have a hell of a lot of inside-the-park homeruns on routine singles up the middle,” the GMs explained.  “So we’ll have to take care of that.”  Hoyer could then be seen writing on a notepad: “Get a centerfielder!”
           Still, the GMs are convinced that the need to have some positions filled are vastly overrated.  “Look, we had no GM for more than a month, and now we’re using this ridiculous co-GM scenario,” they whimsically noted.  “And everything’s going just fine!  Isn’t it?”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Manny Reveals Plans to Distract Team if Not Traded

It has been a worry among Red Sox Nation for the past few months.  Amidst Manny Ramirez’s ongoing trade demands is the concern that Ramirez will become a "distraction" to the team if the demands are not met.  Yesterday, as a potential Manny for Miguel Tejada trade appeared to fall apart, Ramirez revealed in an exclusive interview with Call of the Green Monster that Red Sox fans' worst nightmare may well come true.
            “Lemme tell you,” began an animated Ramirez, “I will be such an unbelievable distraction to the team, man, you won’t even be able to believe it, that’s how unbelievable it will be.  I mean I won’t run hard to first base; I won’t keep track of how many outs there are; I’ll make stupid fielding plays; I’ll ask for days off when the team needs me most; and I might even do something like, um, go into the scoreboard for a, you know, bathroom break, just when the game’s about to start.  Watch out, man.  I’m going to be a big distraction.”
           When it was pointed out to Manny that he already regularly does the things he is threatening to carry out, Ramirez opened his mouth to speak and then closed it.  “Okay,” he said finally.  “Okay, then lemme tell you this.  I’ll demand a trade! Put my house on the market! I’ll say I need more privacy!  I’ll say I’d rather play in Anaheim!  What ‘chu think of that, man?  Oh, boy!  Those guys better start looking to trade me, dude.  I might even get irrational, you know?  Lemme tell you, Manny Ramirez can be one big distraction when he wants to, man”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Millar Ranting Continues: Claims Fenway’s Left Field Foul Pole Ruined Career

First, Kevin Millar went on a rather extended rant declaring that WEEI Sports Radio was directly responsible for the dismantling of the Red Sox World Series team.  Yesterday, he stopped by the Call of the Green Monster central offices to say that the structure of the playing field at Fenway Park, in particularly the left field foul pole, was directly responsible for the downfall of his career.  Millar was for all intents and purposes released by the Sox a few weeks ago, and teams are not exactly engaged in ravenous bidding wars to attain his services.
           “Man, I hit more home runs than any guy ever to play at Fenway, dude,” he said.  It was a shocking statement, made all the more shocking in that Millar had no discernible scent of his trademark Jack Daniels on his breath when he made it.  “It’s true!” he continued.  “But that foul pole, man!  If they had just moved that thing 30 feet to the left, I’d have made everyone forget about Manny, Ted Williams, Jimmie Foxx, and Yaz.  But they wouldn’t do it, no matter how many times I asked—something about major league regulations.  Management just wouldn’t get behind their players.  So instead of being the greatest homerun hitter ever to wear the Sox uniform, all I got is about 20,000 long foul balls to reminisce about.  Breaks my heart dude.”
           Asked where he might play next year, Millar shrugs.  “I don’t know, dude.  But if some smart team is willing to construct a park built to my strengths, we’ll be going to the World Series.  As long as there’s no talk radio around to ruin things.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Senator McCain Pleads with Steinbrenner to End Practice of Torture

As the war on terror continues, one of the most controversial topics that has emerged is the ethical questions raised by the United States resorting to torturing those suspected of involvement in terrorism.  No one has been more passionate about his objection to these practices than former POW Senator John McCain of Arizona.  Yesterday, Senator McCain expanded this cause by urging Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to cease his long-term practice of torturing Yankee players who do not perform to his satisfaction. 
           “We know about the rooms located deep within Yankee Stadium and the horrors that have occurred in those rooms,” said an emotional McCain.  “Humanity must be respected, even among those despicable enough to wear a Yankee uniform. No man deserves to be subjected to pain and suffering for striking out to end a game, or for bobbling a ground ball and letting in a run.  I would submit that playing in Yankee Stadium and having 50,000 maniacs screaming insults and throwing food and metal objects at you is torture enough.  The collective bad breath of those fans can cause brain damage, for goodness sakes.  Do we need to add insult to injury by having Steinbrenner open his torture kit every time his loses?  Look at their roster!  Things will only get worse.”
           Accompanying McCain were hundreds of present and former Yankee players who told tales of torture inflicted by Steinbrenner.  When ARod was asked if he had really been tortured, he shrugged.  “Well,” he whimpered, wiping away a tear.  “He’s hurt my feelings so many times.  So many, many times.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com