In an effort to match the Celtics and the Bruins, each of whom offer fans the opportunity to see a game—albeit in unimaginably bad seats—for ten dollars, the Red Sox today announced that they will offer a somewhat modified $10 ticket of their own. Rather shockingly, however, the ticket will not actually allow fans admittance to the game.
“We’re very pleased to offer the $10 ticket to our fans,” said an elated Larry Lucchino to the media yesterday. “We feel this is a wonderful opportunity for people who are poor and can’t afford to actually attend a game to proudly hold a genuine game day ticket. Because, unlike the Bruins and Celtics, we put a respectable product before the fans and can easily sell out every game, we unfortunately cannot allow holders of the $10 ticket to actually enter the park. After all, it’s not our fault the Bruins and Celtics are putrid and we’re not.”
Lucchino was asked what possible value there could be to having a ticket to a game, but not actually being allowed into the ballpark. “Oh come on,” he said with a dismissive chuckle, waving his hand. “I think for plenty of people it will be a big thrill to be able to say ‘I have tickets for the game!’ Nobody’s going to ask them if the tickets will actually get them into the game, right? They’ll just assume it! Then, they go home, watch it on t.v.—if they can afford cable—and then tell their friends what a great game they saw. They don’t really have to lie, and nobody will know the difference. And, they can keep that ticket with wonderful memories of a terrific ballgame that they almost saw.”