Call of the Green Monster

Red Sox Announce New $10 Ticket

In an effort to match the Celtics and the Bruins, each of whom offer fans the opportunity to see a game—albeit in unimaginably bad seats—for ten dollars, the Red Sox today announced that they will offer a somewhat modified $10 ticket of their own.  Rather shockingly, however, the ticket will not actually allow fans admittance to the game.
          “We’re very pleased to offer the $10 ticket to our fans,” said an elated Larry Lucchino to the media yesterday.  “We feel this is a wonderful opportunity for people who are poor and can’t afford to actually attend a game to proudly hold a genuine game day ticket.  Because, unlike the Bruins and Celtics, we put a respectable product before the fans and can easily sell out every game, we unfortunately cannot allow holders of the $10 ticket to actually enter the park.  After all, it’s not our fault the Bruins and Celtics are putrid and we’re not.”
           Lucchino was asked what possible value there could be to having a ticket to a game, but not actually being allowed into the ballpark.  “Oh come on,” he said with a dismissive chuckle, waving his hand.  “I think for plenty of people it will be a big thrill to be able to say ‘I have tickets for the game!’  Nobody’s going to ask them if the tickets will actually get them into the game, right?  They’ll just assume it!  Then, they go home, watch it on t.v.—if they can afford cable—and then tell their friends what a great game they saw.  They don’t really have to lie, and nobody will know the difference.  And, they can keep that ticket with wonderful memories of a terrific ballgame that they almost saw.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

At Damon Press Conference, Steinbrenner Appears Smitten with Michelle

It was an embarrassment to the Yankees organization.  No, not the Johnny Damon signing, but the press conference announcing Damon’s arrival.  It began innocently enough, with Joe Torre and Brian Cashman regaling the press about the impact of the Damon signing.  And then, George Steinbrenner walked into the room. 
           After playfully rubbing Damon’s freshly shaven beard, and commenting on his new haircut, The Boss then turned and gazed at Damon’s stunning wife, Michelle.  At first, his knees buckled, and Torre and Cashman quickly helped him regain his footing.  Then Johnny stepped forward and said, “Mr. Steinbrenner, I’d like you to meet my wife.”  The 75-year-old Steinbrenner, staring at Michelle in a mesmerized trance, moved his jaws up and down rapidly, but no words emerged.  Cashman repeated the introduction, gently patting Steinbrenner on the back in an attempt to break through to him.
           “Im brecth nubbbt loff,” Steinbrenner finally garbled, through trembling lips.
           “Oh, thank you sooooooo much,” Michelle said, batting her eyelids.
           “Did I, like, um, miss something?” a confused Johnny whispered.  “Sounded to me like the dude was talking gibberish.”
           “I think George was just expressing how nice it is to welcome both of you to the Yankee family,” Cashman replied.   
           “Thank youuuu!” Michelle sang, stepping forward and planting a big kiss on Steinbrenner’s cheek.  “We soooooooo love New York.  We’re, like, going to make the Yankees famous!”
           At the kiss, Steinbrenner let out an unintelligible high-pitched chirping sound, and began to pitch forward in a free fall, only to be rescued once again by Torre and Cashman.
           “Issh doss brght,” Steinbrenner offered, touching his kissed cheek, still with his eyes locked on Michelle.
           “Yeah,” Johnny said.  “Um, like, Michelle’s going to be the most famous babe in Yankees history.  Like, get it?  You know, Babe Ruth…”
           “We get it Johnny, and thank you. And Mr. Steinbrenner, who by the way is suffering from flu-like symptoms, will be leaving now,” Cashman said, as three men in black suits picked Steinbrenner up and carried him out of the room.
           As the press conference continued, moments later Steinbrenner came crashing through a wall, eyes still locked on Michelle Damon as he advanced toward her—only to be pulled back by several Yankees operatives.
           “Johnnnnnnnny,” Michelle said, growing a bit agitated.  “Mr. Steinbrenson is scarrrring me. Can we go back to Boston?”
           “Ummm, like, no,” he said sadly.  “We’re stuck here, honey.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Sox Mull Options for Replacing Damon

Still reeling from the stunning departure of Johnny Damon to the New York Yankees, the Red Sox front office hunkered down yesterday to mull possible options to play centerfield.  They met with the press this morning to reveal some possibilities. 
           Co-GM Ben Cherington smiled slickly to start off the press conference.  “All you guys in the media are panicking like the sky is going to fall, just because Johnny left,” he said smugly.  “The answer is simple: we move Nixon to centerfield.”   When immediately asked who would then play right field, Cherington froze.  “Oh man,” he said shyly, “I hadn’t thought about that.  Man, this job is hard.”  Under his breath, Jed Hoyer could be heard whispering, “You idiot,” and the two of them exchanged insults and eventually started slapping each other until Larry Lucchino stepped in.
           Lucchino then said that the Sox would turn their focus to Cleveland Indians outfielder Coco Crisp.  The media, noting the less-than-enthusiastic look on owner John Henry’s face, asked if he, too, was interested in Crisp.  “Sure I am,” he replied, his voice thick with sarcasm.  “But I’m also quite interested Rice Crispie, who plays for us in Pawtucket.  A great prospect!  And don’t forget that Single-A phenom Fruit Loop…the next Johnny Damon!  And wait! We have Wheat Chex playing in Augusta…”
           While Lucchino tried to settle Henry down, the owner stood up and began an extended, sobbing rant.  “I want Johnny back.  I want that hair flowing in the breeze for the next four years.  I love that beard, even though he often had little bits of food and particles of spit caught in it.  I want those inane, garbled, incomprehensible comments he’d make.  But most of all, I want Michelle back.  Oh, every time I look at her I feel ten years younger.  Please come back Damons!  Please!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster

Sox Front Office Unaware Damon was a Free Agent

As Red Sox Nation reeled from the news that Johnny Damon was leaving town to join the evil and decadent New York Yankees, perhaps even more shocking was the revelation that the Red Sox front office was apparently unaware that Damon was a free agent.
          “Look,” said an angry and confused Larry Lucchino.  “We’ve had a lot going on.  We were aware that we had to get him signed, but, yes, it apparently slipped through the cracks that other teams could sign him.  Certainly if we had been aware of that we would have made signing Johnny a higher priority than signing Rudy Seanez.”
           The Sox new general manager team appeared stunned and embarrassed by the news.  “We’re still learning this position,” said Hoyer and Cherington, reading a statement together in a show of unison.  “We just weren’t quite up to speed on the fact that he could actually sign with the Yankees if he wanted to.  We just thought Steinbrenner was trying to scare us.”
           Owner John Henry, again questioning his own ability to be owner of the Red Sox, said to blame him for this monumental blunder.  “You can't blame Herrington and Choyer for this,” he said, “and certainly not Larry.  Am I fit to be owner?  Am I fit to be a Red Sox fan?  A fair question.  But we’re not going to let this stand.  I met all night be the GMs and Larry, and we plan to offer Derek Jeter a boatload of money to come to Boston.  This free agent stuff can work both ways, you know.  We’ll show those Yankees.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Bronson Arroyo Struggles to Keep Musical Career Afloat During Offseason

The fall from [semi] glory has been hard for Bronson Arroyo to accept.  This past July, when his Covering the Bases CD was released, Bronson Arroyo became a celebrity musician of sorts.  There were release parties in L.A. and gigs all around, and some people even paid money to purchase the CD.  He was in the spotlight.  But time has cruelly marched on for the…marginally…talented musician, and the spotlight has dimmed and short-circuited.  The pitcher is struggling to keep his career alive.
           “It’s been tough,” he said sadly, after finishing up a free gig at the Everett Public Library, where a crowd of eleven watched a rather lackluster performance.  “I mean I imagined I’d be playing a stadium tour just like the Stones and U2.  I imagined roadies and groupies and Bronson Arroyo merchandise. This is pretty depressing." 
           Arroyo said he even had to sink so low as to perform at a children's birthday party last week, although even then many of the screaming youngsters had no idea who he was.  “My music was all wrong for that crowd,” he lamented.  “And in between songs, one little punk gets up right in front of me and starts asking me why I can’t get left-handed hitters out.  It was humiliating, dude.”
          Despite the disappointments, Arroyo plans to forge on.  “I’ve got a gig at Dunkin Donuts in Newton next week,” he said, with a glimmer of hope in his voice.  “I’m hoping to get a more upscale crowd there, one that’ll be a little more generous throwing change into my cup.  Who knows, maybe an agent will happen to be there and will offer me a chance to do another CD.”  He sighed mournfully, and didn’t seem convinced as he said it.
            As for his baseball career, Arroyo shrugged.  “Anyone can throw a baseball, dude.  But being a rock star, whoa, that’s the ultimate.  You gotta have priorities.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

To Counter New Amphetamines Ban, Starbucks Develops “Cardiac Cup” With Ten Times More Caffeine

Just as Major League Baseball announced that for the first time it will test players for the use of amphetamines, Starbucks, seeing a golden opportunity to fill a crucial void, quickly announced it will offer the new “Cardiac Cup,” which features ten times the normal amount of caffeine.
“We are not in any way marketing this product as a substitute for amphetamines,” countered a Starbucks spokesman who was visiting with several players at Fenway Park to offer free samples of the new product.  “I mean, as it is, the regular cup of Starbucks can disturb sleep patterns for a day or two.  What we’re offering with the Cardiac Cup is a delicious cup of coffee made with the richest blend of Arabic and African beans that, because of its strength, will probably keep you awake—and indeed, incapable of sleep—for a week.  There is the distinct possibility that one cup will literally propel some people right off the ground.  That some ballplayers see this as the new way to make it through a rough road trip or be sharp for a day game following a tough game the night before is purely coincidental.”
           Still, there are suspicions as to why Starbucks is currently only offering the Cardiac Cup to Major League baseball players—several large canteens bearing the Starbucks logo will be placed in every dugout—and why the product is being introduced just as amphetamine testing is set to begin.  “Why should there be suspicions just because players happen to enjoy coffee?” asked Donald Fehr, executive director of the Major League Players Association, and a major stakeholder in the Cardiac Cup.  “If this adds a little bounce to their step during rough stretches of the season, great!  And since the Cardiac Cup apparently does significantly alter the chemistry of the brain, we’ll have heart specialists and psychiatrists on hand just to make sure everything goes smoothly.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Behind on Holiday Shopping, Henry and Warner Skip GM Press Conference

They were conspicuous by their absence.  Here, on a day in which the new general managers (for the time being) of the Boston Red Sox were being announced, the owners of the team did not even attend the press conference.  But, during a private dinner with Call of the Green Monster, John Henry said one need not read anything into the fact that he and Tom Warner were not present.  “No need to contact Oliver Stone,” Henry laughed, “and spare me the grassy knoll theories.  No, we were both just terribly behind on our holiday shopping, and saw that particular afternoon as the perfect opportunity to sneak away.  Besides, I covered Theo’s press conference after he quit.  It was Larry’s turn to handle one of these things, and I’m sure Jen and Bed didn’t mind.”
           With Lucchino busy at the press conference, Henry, knowing Lucchino’s love of horses, purchased him a Dutch Warmblood, and had the horse brought into a special odor-proof stall he had built adjacent to Lucchino’s office.  “I think there might have been some hard feelings after Larry’s choice for GM, Jim Beattie, was rejected by everyone else in the organization,” Henry said.  “So I wanted to get him a really special holiday gift this year.”  An obviously thrilled Henry said he plans to have all snow cleared off the field at Fenway so that Lucchino can take Beattie—Henry named the horse after the spurned GM—out for a ride as soon as he gives him the present.    
           As for Tom Warner, he seemed unconcerned with missing the press conference.  “Look, even if I was there, nobody would have noticed,” he shrugged sadly. “It’s not like I’ve got a Manny/David Wells thing going on where I can’t go out in public without getting swarmed.  Security at Fenway still asks me for my ID, for crying out loud, even though I’m an owner of the damn team!  Besides, Herrington and Choyer did just fine without me there.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Lucchino Haunted by Ghosts of GMs Past

  In a chilling exclusive interview with Call of the Green Monster, Larry Lucchino revealed that he has been haunted by recent visits by spirits identifying themselves as the Ghosts of GMs past.  “It’s been very disturbing,” the Sox president and CEO confided.  “It’s really made me question myself.”
           The first such visit came one cold evening when Lucchino was awakened by ominous humming that he soon realized was the sound of a ghost talking very rapidly.  “Lou?  Lou Gorman?” Lucchino asked. 
           “The Ghost of Lou Gorman,” he replied.  “Larry, Larry, Larry.  Stay away from Dan Shaughnessy.  He’ll carve you up and leave you for dead.”
           “But he helped me, Lou!”
           “Helped you?  Theo’s gone! You had a deal in place, and the Shankster wrote that gratuitous article just to fan the flames.  He’s sinister.  He still kills me for the Jeff Bagwell trade and not picking up Willie McGee.  He has no redeeming social value.  You trusted him?  Walk away while you still can, Larry.  Shaughnessy is cruelness personified.  Walk away, Larry.  He tortures animals in his backyard.”
           The next evening, a rather droning sound awakened Larry from his sleep, and he jumped back in fright at what he saw.
           “Dan Duquette?  Is that you?  You seem so angry.  What did I ever do to you?”
           “You fired me, you twit.  Don’t you remember?”
           “Of course, I’m sorry.”
           “No worry.  My career has blossomed since.”
           “Good, Dan, good.  I always liked you.”
           “Listen, Larry, don’t be plagued with doubt about Theo.  You did the right thing.  He’s in the twilight of his career.”
           “Well…”
           “I, on the other hand, am available.”
           “I think we’re looking in a different direction, Dan, in fact, Theo might even be coming back.  Besides, I don’t think hiring a ghost would be a popular choice among Fenway fans.  Besides, you have some baggage.”
           “True, but more days in first place than the Yankees.  Remember that! Remember that!”
           “Thanks Dan.”
           On the final evening, he was awakened by the sound of a computer printing out reams of information.
           “Theo?  Is that you Theo?”
           “Hi Larry!”
          “Look at this!  People think we hate each other, and you are in my house…doing…what, exactly?”
          “Well, I wasn’t exactly invited, Lar, and it’s not exactly me.  But since you asked, I’m printing up some statistical evidence for my book about our relationship.”
          “Book?  Don’t do that, please.”
          “The public has to know.  Since I might be coming back, all this has to be properly documented, you know, to protect me.”
          “Theo, are you coming back?”
          “I'm weighing my options, Larry.”
          “You do that, Theo.”
          “Well, thanks Larry!  I wasn't sure how you'd feel...Larry?  Are you taping this?  I’m a ghost, for crying out loud, and you’re taping this? Another leak?”
          “No Theo, no!”
          “It’ll come back to haunt you, Larry.  The leaks, they’ll haunt you.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Get on the Bus

The bus was seen docking at the station late on a cold, dark night.  The passengers trudged out to get on board, with various expressions on their faces.  Kevin Millar climbed up the steps, a large bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.  As he plopped into his seat, Millar took a pull on the bottle.  “It’s gonna be a long, hard ride,” he said, his eyes a little red with emotion.  “I loved this place, man, but now it’s over.  But I got this here bottle with me, dude, and I’m gonna be an idiot one last night.”  He was seen saving two seats, and was asked why.  “Johnny and Manny, baby,” he said.  “I know them leaving ain’t a done deal, but if they are, I want to leave town side-by-side with my fellow idiots.”
           Mike Myers hopped on board, resigned to sitting on the left side of the bus.  “I get sick if I sit on the right side,” he said, sadly shrugging his shoulders.  Aware that Yankee Stadium awaits him, he turned away and looked longingly out the window toward the Boston skyline, thinking of all the various vaccinations he'll need to get before crossing the border to New York.
           “Who’s that dude?” Millar asked, as another passenger boarded.  “Oh, Renteria, I hardly knew that guy.”
           “I kept getting on the wrong bus,” a confused Renteria said.  “I must have made 30 mistakes. Maybe my eyesight is the problem.”
           “Bus says ‘Leaving Boston,’ dude, clear as day—and that’s what you’re doing,” Millar said.  “You always looked lost here.”  He looked up.  “Hey, 'Belli!  And Billy Mueller!”
           Doug Mirabelli and Bill Mueller waved to Millar as they took seats up front.  “I’m not sitting with the idiots,” Mueller said, smiling pleasantly at Millar. 
           “No way,” said Mirabelli.  “It’s a long ride outta here, and old Cowboy Up will be Throwing Up that Jack Daniels in a few hours.”
           “Who’s that way in the back, Wells?" Mueller asked.  "He hasn’t even been traded yet.”
           Everyone turned around, and Millar smiled, offering him the bottle.
           “Just stay away from me, all ‘a yas.  I am outta here. I hate this place.  Pretty soon the fans’ll come crawling through the windows and up through the tailpipe looking for autographs.”  Wells looked up toward the driver.  “We ready to leave yet?”
           Indistinguishable shadows approached the bus, and everyone strained to see who was approaching.
          “Not yet,” the driver said, scanning his passenger list.  “Looks like there are gonna be a few more passengers on board before this bus leaves town.”
          “Times are changin, dude,” Millar said, draining more of the bottle.  “Times are changing.”
  bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Crisis! Confused Sox GM Team Finalize Three Different Trades for Manny

Chaos erupted at the Winter Meetings yesterday as the Red Sox team of interim general managers finalized trades to three different teams for Manny Ramirez.  The communication breakdown between the interim GMs is a major embarrassment for the organization, which scrambled to find a way to fix things and make peace with the teams that will be spurned.
           “My cellphone wasn’t working yesterday,” said a humiliated Jed Hoyer, who had Manny traded to the Mets for Carlos Beltran.  “It was just the trade we wanted, so I jumped on it.  We had everything signed—a done deal!  Then I see Bill Lajoie looking into the room from outside the window with a big smile on his face, holding up a sign that said, ‘I just traded Manny!!!’  I almost puked right there.”
           But as Lajoie explained that he had Manny traded to the Phillies for Bobby Abreu, his beeper went off.  Lajoie, who is 71, admittedly struggles with modern technology, and didn’t even know what the beeper was for.  But when Hoyer looked at it, he turned green, seeing that Jeremy Kapstein and Craig Shipley had just completed a trade of Manny to the Angels for several prospects.
           “Of course it was a huge embarrassment that this team of nitwits were out there like Lone Rangers making deals without talking to each other,” said Larry Lucchino, who himself was moments away from consummating a Manny trade to the Diamondbacks for Troy Glaus.  Even John Henry was close to a deal with Texas.  “But before we went back to tell the teams about our colossal blunder, we felt obligated to present each of the trades to Manny, to see which city he preferred.”
          And what happened?  “The dope rejected all of them,” Lucchino said, shaking his head.  “He tells me he wants to go to Kansas City, because it’s close to his wife’s home in Brazil.” He sighed, disgustedly.  “Manny might belong in an asylum,” he said, “but I’m going to end up in one first.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Devious Steinbrenner Gleefully Harassing Henry About GM Search

As the Red Sox GM search trudges along with a host of uninspiring names being ushered in and out, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner—unabashedly gleeful about any misfortune that befalls the Red Sox, even the illnesses of employee relatives— has taken the occasion to relentlessly taunt Sox owner John Henry.
“John has been getting calls from George on a regular basis,” said a source within the Red Sox front office.  “He sounds serious, and offers to help, but then it turns annoying.  For instance, the other day he called, and in kind of a sing-song voice said, ‘Don Zimmer, is available!  I could arrange an interview!’  Another day he disguised his voice as Donald Duck, and demanded that he should be interviewed as a minority candidate.  Frankly, that was not only insulting to minorities, but to ducks as well.”  The source relates that Steinbrenner has also suggested, among others, Grady Little, Oil Can Boyd, and the cast of Still, We Believe as possible GM candidates.  “He also suggested Tim McCarver, saying that once McCarver got the names of the players straight—no small task for the oft-confused broadcaster—he might work out.  If not, he talks so much he might be the only guy who could drive the Boston media away from Fenway.”  Another suggestion was to sweeten the offer to Theo Epstein by offering a video-game room in the front office.  “The little dufus will come running back in no time,” Steinbrenner reportedly said, cackling maniacally.
           Finally, determined to put a stop to the nonsense, John Henry answered one of Steinbrenner’s recent calls, and calmly told him a story.
           “George,” he reportedly said, “do you remember the ALCS in 2004?  Leading three games to none?”
           “Okay, okay,” said a suddenly nervous Steinbrenner.  “I get the point.”
           “Blown save by Rivera, walkoff homer by Ortiz, it’s 3-1.”
           “You don’t need to go any further, I’ve learned my lesson.”
           “Ortiz bloop single in the 14th, it’s 3-2.”
           “Please, John…uh…Mr. Henry.  Enough.”
           “Bloody Sock Schilling, Bellhorn homerun, Slappy ARod, it’s 3-3.”
           “Look, I’m an elderly--and, admittedly, deeply disturbed--man for goodness sake, don’t continue!”
           “Damon grand slam…”
           “Cashman!  More pitching, dammit, more pitching!  Payroll to $300 million!  Whatever it takes!  We can’t have these savages laughing at us.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Lucchino-Epstein Dunkin Donuts Ad Shelved—Shaughnessy Steps In

With the shocking development of Theo Epstein’s abrupt resignation from the Boston Red Sox, Dunkin Donuts was forced to shelve a planned ad that was designed to spoof the relationship between the president and the GM.   
           “The ad was intended play off the dynamics of the Epstein-Lucchino relationship,” said Dunkin Donuts spokesperson Paul Morris.  “It depicted Theo in the back of the kitchen, covered in flour and dough, frantically making donuts while falling behind, as Lucchino repeatedly pokes his head through the door and yells, ‘More donuts, Theo!  More donuts!’  A flabbergasted Epstein then looks into the camera and says, ‘I signed on for three more years of this?’  It was pretty lighthearted and cute fun.”  Morris said that with Epstein’s departure, the ad had to be shelved. 
           Larry Lucchino, however, seeing a brilliant marketing opportunity, is heavily lobbying for the ads to be run, though in an altered form.  “This is a brilliant commercial, and a solid marketing opportunity for the Red Sox,” Lucchino maintains.  “However, Dunkin Donuts feels that with Theo gone, the ad would lose its power.  That’s why I’m suggesting my good friend Dan Shaughnessy fill in.”
           Shaughnessy, after a brief inquiry to ensure he would be paid well, immediately agreed.  “So, you read my columns!” Shaughnessy said to Morris.  When Morris said he didn’t, Shaughnessy muttered, “Everybody says that.  What do I have to do to get someone to read my columns?  But anyway, I’m in.”
           The ending of the ad was rewritten to compensate for Epstein’s departure.  Now, as Lucchino barks in his donut orders to Shaughnessy, Shaughnessy, covered in flour and dough as donuts come flying off the conveyer belt and hit him off the head, looks at the camera and says, “By the way, the Globe's parent company, The New York Times Company, owns 17 percent of Dunkin Donuts…”
williamdmahoney@yahoo.com