Groundbreaking Study Reveals Many Yankees Fans Share Some Similarities with Human Beings
A team of Harvard and MIT researchers have combined forces for a groundbreaking ten-year study designed to monitor and learn about the peculiar social habits of New York Yankees fans. Researchers were unanimous in their astonishment in learning that Yankees fans actually share some very slight similarities with human beings, albeit in some of the darkest ways.
“We began our research under the assumption that Yankees fans were very primitive creatures and unlike any species,” said Wolfgang Benveld of MIT. “That’s still very true, but we have also revealed some qualities among them that are actually human like.” Benveld paused for a moment to gain his composure as tears welled in his eyes. “It was a momentous revelation.”
Herman Kline of Harvard revealed that the most profound similarities are not necessarily inspiring. While some human beings are at times prone to barbaric behavior, these qualities are the very backbone of the Yankees fans society. “They display no real sense of empathy, compassion, or affection. We see this sometimes in the most depraved sociopath humans. Yankees fans don’t even really like the Yankees--indeed they don’t even understand the sport of baseball--they merely experience a very primitive pleasure in winning. It temporarily soothes them, similar to a young human child being given a pacifier.”
And the pain, suffering, and despair of others are a great source of joy to Yankees fans. “To put it as simply as possible,” says Kline, “the most sinister qualities of mankind are indeed the foundation of a Yankees fan’s existence. This might not be pleasant to consider, but it does indicate distant similarities in the two species that, prior to our research, were unthinkable.”
Other revelations sparked interest. Through evolution the Yankees fan can now almost walk upright if they choose to, but most, perplexingly, choose to transport themselves by sitting on their rear end and scooting themselves along with their hands. “We’re not sure why they choose to do this,” says Benveld, “although, again, it may just be due to limited intelligence.”
Benveld and Kline are aware that to the general public, the findings of such slight similarities between Yankees fans and human beings might seem insignificant, but they think otherwise. “When we speak of Yankees fans, we are talking about a species that was originally thought to have absolutely nothing in common with the human race,” Beveld says. “Though many find it repulsive to consider, for the first time we see the first faint signs of humanity.”
