In a move that concerned citizens have urged for some time, the Environmental Protection Agency sent three agents--armed in full bio-hazard gear--to the Red Sox clubhouse yesterday to confiscate Trot Nixon’s hat. The hat was taken and destroyed in a secure facility somewhere in Montana. “We’ve been concerned with Mr. Nixon’s hat for quite some time said EPA Administrator Steve Johnson. “The level of toxicity due to mold, chemicals, and various other poisons that have accumulated in the hat were not only threatening such things as the ozone layer—but were an extreme hazard to fans at Fenway Park, the city of Boston, and the surrounding suburbs,” said Johnson. “This was an act of mercy.”
The Red Sox administration is using the opportunity to speak quietly to Nixon about his overall hygiene. “We certainly were not aware of the level of toxicity in Trot’s hat,” said Theo Epstein. “We were more concerned with the smell of it, quite frankly. It was so covered in some kind of grayish white substance, that it no longer resembled a Red Sox hat. Many players were asking that the hat be quarantined in a separate room between games. Nobody could understand how Trot could stand it—it was sickening. Fans in right field have been asking for refunds.” Epstein went on to say that they’d like Nixon to make more of an effort to keep his helmet free of pine tar, to button his uniform shirt, and to try to keep a generally respectable appearance.
“I’m confused by all this, to tell you the truth,” said a flabbergasted Nixon. “I never noticed anything wrong with the hat, it smelled just fine to me.” Kevin Millar, however, noted that he believed that the toxins from Nixon’s hat were directly responsible for keeping Fenway’s rodent population in check.
“Anyway,” Nixon said, “I just found a hat from two years ago at the bottom of my locker, and I’m gonna be wearing that for the rest of the season. I’ll tell you, that thing’s so ripe, it can practically walk onto the field by itself.”