Matt Clement Enjoying Psychic Ability Since Being Hit in Head
It was a shocking and emotionally charged moment. A hard line drive off the bat of Tampa’s Carl Crawford careened off the head of Matt Clement, sending the tall pitcher crashing to the ground. Although he never lost consciousness, he remained motionless on the ground before being taken away on a stretcher, while Red Sox fans' hearts stood still. The next day, joy and relief reigned through Red Sox Nation, as word came out that Clement was not only okay, but would not even need a trip to the DL. Yesterday, Clement revealed another remarkable development from the incident.
“Yes, I have developed psychic ability since being hit in the head,” Clement told the media, after accurately identifying the first name of the mother-in-law of every writer in the room. “It was quite unexpected. But after the incident, I was able to tell all the players that none of them would be traded before the trade deadline, and I was able to give management a heads-up that Manny was going to pull another nut-job routine.”
Larry Lucchino was elated to hear about Clement’s newfound gift. “We’re absolutely delighted that Matt has not only has fully recovered, but that he now has this psychic ability,” he said. “Think of the possibilities we could use this for! Matt’s ability to see the future would allow us to plot against the Yankees and other rivals…let our batters know what pitch was coming or our pitchers know what pitch to throw…and help us to sign the right free agents. Actually being able to look into the future will be extraordinary for the organization. Who cares whether Matt can pitch well or not!”
So far, the deeply religious Clement has resisted using his psychic ability in any less-than-virtuous manner. “Guys have been asking me for lottery numbers, ways to get girls, and how long they’re going to live,” Clement explained. “But I’m not going to use this gift for things like that.” He thought a moment. “Of course,” he conceded, “if it’s Game Seven against the Yankees and we have the chance to humiliate them again, I’m sure I’ll say, ‘Why not?’”
