It was only one performance, in less than optimum conditions on a cold night in Yankee Stadium. But after David Wells Opening Day nightmare in New York—and a Spring Training in which he was regularly shelled—Red Sox management, with visions of Ramiro Mendoza dancing in their heads, are already expressing concern. Immediately after the Sox 9-2 drubbing at the hands of the Yankees, a covert internal investigation began to determine if David Wells may indeed be beginning his term as the new Embedded Yankee.
The signs were there: the generally clueless look; the inability to get a leadoff man out; the wildness from a man known for his control pitching. The only good sign in his performance was that after the game Wells tested negative for alcohol and controlled substances and did not overtly insult any fellow players or management. But, most disturbing, at a pivotal moment in the game with the bases loaded, Wells balked home a run.
“That immediately brought us to high alert,” said a Red Sox official. “It was the same move Ramiro Mendoza made during Game 3 of last year’s ALCS with the bases loaded. Two accomplished, experienced pitchers making the same nitwit move against the same team in the same situation? That’s not a coincidence. In fact, our intelligence operatives tell us that what is referred to as the “Boneheaded Balk” is one of the first procedures taught to recruits in the Yankee Embed Program (YEP).
The potential of Wells treachery is particularly disturbing to Red Sox officials. “We covered every base with Wells to ensure it wouldn’t happen,” a source said. “We did detailed lie detector tests, extended scans on each region of his brain, and a more thorough background check than the White House conducts.” The front office won’t yet concede that Wells is working for the Yankees, but they plan to take proactive steps to find out.
Unfortunately, Call of the Green Monster, has unearthed some further alarming details. Our sources witnessed a meeting between George Steinbrenner and David Wells in the early morning hours under the stands at Yankee Stadium well after the game had ended. Wells kissed Steinbrenner’s ring, and the Boss affectionately patted him on the head and called him “son.” Then, a thick white envelope was given to Wells, who was urged to continue the good work, but not to be “so obvious” next time. The two then were joined by influential New Yorkers who financially support YEP, including Regis Philbin, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and Donald Trump—all of whom offered additional incentives to Wells as he smiled demonically. Philbin promised future television appearances on his show, and Giuliani pointed out that he may soon run for President and could find a role for Wells in his administration. Trump seemed initially at a loss, before promising that he could “get broads” for Wells.
“It’s a wake-up call for us,” said the Red Sox official. “We have several operatives working within the Yankees organization and we thought we covered all the bases. But when you’re up against the Yankees, who have an unlimited intelligence budget and can just go out and buy the best spies in the world, it’s tough to compete.”
