Several Red Sox Players Hit by Line Drives While Staring at Johnny Damon’s Wife
While everyone in the Red Sox organization has been thrilled to see Johnny Damon happily married to his new bride Michelle Mangan, her presence at Spring Training has caused the first crisis of the season. Because the stunningly beautiful Mrs. Damon enjoys attending the Spring Training workouts and sits close by, several players have found that they’ve had a hard time concentrating on the action on the field. As a result, at least fifteen players have been treated for cuts and bruises from being hit by line drives while staring at the center fielder’s wife.
“It’s become a little bit of a problem,” said Terry Francona, while holding ice over his own swollen eye. (Francona said he injured the eye while walking into a door.) “We like having Michelle here, but the players have to learn to control themselves and concentrate.” Kevin Millar agrees with Francona, but says it’s easier said than done. “I’ve been hit three times since Spring Training started,” he said. “You try to stay focused on what you’re doing on the field, but then your eyes start to wander a little bit, and before you know it you're staring at her and saying, ‘Oh, my G-,’ and then boom! My knee is still pretty swollen.”
The Red Sox front office has been caught off guard by the problem, and has no immediate plans to take action. “We certainly are not going to ask Michelle to avoid attending the workouts,” said Theo Epstein, whose hand was yesterday placed in a cast when, he says, he accidentally closed his car door on it. “She’s part of the Red Sox family and has every right to be here. We’re going to ask our players to show some discipline, and we hope it doesn’t get to the point where we have to start fining every player caught looking her way. Heck, even Johnny himself got nailed by a line drive yesterday while he was gawking at her.”
“I haven’t had any problem at all,” said a defiant team captain Jason Varitek. “You’re a professional player, right? So the guys just have to act like professionals. She’s an extremely beautiful woman, fine. But get over it.”
“That’s easy for Jason to say,” said a player who asked not to be named. “He’s been hit at least five times, but he’s got all that catcher’s gear on.”
