A confused but nevertheless resolute Manny Ramirez called a press conference yesterday to emotionally expound on his own unique interpretation of Major League Baseball’s new steroid testing program.
“Lemme tell you,” said an emotional Ramirez, wagging his finger forcefully, “all my career in baseball I’ve seen people using these steroids, and no matter what anybody tries to tell me, I believe with all my heart that steroids are very, very bad for you. So, when I hear Major League Baseball has started a big new steroid testing program, I am so mad. I am here to say that I absolutely refuse to test steroids for Major League Baseball.”
Shaken by a letter he received from the league outlining the new policy, Ramirez immediately had a visceral reaction to what he thought he was reading. “I tried to explain it to him,” said one of Ramirez’s advisors, “but the more I said to him, the more he thought I was trying to convince him to use steroids on the league’s behalf. What can I say? When Manny gets something in his head he can be very stubborn.”
“Lemme tell you,” Ramirez went on to say at the press conference, “I don’t smoke and I don’t even drink. Now, Major League Baseball is telling me I gotta take injections of these steroids so they can test them? No, I will not be used as one of those test pigs. No one is sticking any needles in my butt, and I’m not going to sit around and watch my head grow into funny shapes like Barry Bonds. Canseco, that dude's got major brain damage. And Giambi, man, I’m afraid to look at him now. It’s spooky.”
As the press conference was going on, a relaxed Theo Epstein said on the side that the problem will be simple to solve. “We’ll simply tell Manny that he is exempt from the steroid testing program,” he whispered, “and that the blood tests are part of a routine physical exam. Nothing to worry about. Believe me, we go through a hundred ‘crises’ like this a year with Manny.”
“Lemme tell you,” Ramirez concluded passionately. “Sometimes you gotta stand up for what you believe in. I’m willing to do a lot of things for the game of baseball, but this is where I draw the line. I don’t need any help hitting homeruns, man. Maybe with my fielding or baserunning, but I don’t think steroids will do anything for that. Besides, I know what steroids can do. I like my hair the way it is, I got nice skin, and I want to have lots more children. Nobody is gonna test steroids on me.”
Epstein concluded the conference by speaking briefly to the sparse crowd of baffled onlookers. “We’re proud of Manny for taking this brave stand. He’s our hero.”