An intense Red Sox president and CEO Larry Lucchino recently spoke about upcoming objectives for the Sox as they prepare to defend their World Series title. “Make no doubt about it,” Lucchino said, “first and foremost, we want to add and extend to the humiliation the New York Yankees suffered at our hands in 2004. Winning the World Series was all fine and dandy, but watching George and all those other pinstriped prima donnas with little tears welling in their eyes, was priceless.”
Lucchino did outline some objectives for the off-season such as signing Jason Varitek, and improving the pitching rotation—with or without Pedro. But he clearly took delight in talking about what he sees as the impending demise of the Bronx Bombers. “Fostering further internal dissent in the Yankees organization; causing George serious—though certainly not life-threatening—health problems, maybe a nervous breakdown would be nice; and in general adding more misery and grief to every Yankee fan than they can possibly endure, would be very positive developments,” said an increasingly sinister-looking Lucchino.
Lucchino, who has long referred to the Yankees as the Evil Empire, then leaned forward in his seat, with his expression taking on a chillingly dark tone. “I’ve always said that all empires must fall,” he said. “But there’s no reason this couldn’t be a prolonged torturous descent to the boiling pits of Major League Baseball for George and the Yankees. As I said, humiliation is our goal, so that Yankee lovers all over the world wake up every morning questioning their reason for living.” Lucchino then laughed malevolently and fell into a long cackling laugh.
Four press members were referred for counseling after what everyone described as an extremely disturbing press conference.