Call of the Green Monster

Red Sox Opt to Use Twitter to Relay Signs

For people who have extraordinary amounts of free time on their hands, Twitter has come along to save the day. The website, which is based on the premise of having members continuously answer the question, "What are you doing?" has been known to entertain people with short attention spans for hours, as they constantly update friends on what mundane activities they are currently involved in.

The Red Sox, however, ever seeking to use technology to gain an edge, have announced that they will no longer use conventional signs on the field, and will instead use Twitter to assist in this process. "No more having coaches grab their ears or pat their asses to signal a bunt," Theo Epstein noted.  "We're introducing the signs of the future."

"I think it's a great idea," an excited Terry Francona said after the press conference. "Millsy and me like to Twitter each other--excuse me, "tweet" each other--during games all the time. There's not really much for us to do until the seventh inning or so, so I'll tweet Millsy with 'I'm standing in the dugout.'  Millsy'll come back with 'So am I!' And then we're on the floor laughing. I'll go back to him with 'I'm stuffing a massive wad of tobacco into my mouth.' And he tweets back, 'That's disgusting, you're killing yourself.' We just have so much fun with it."

Everyone on the team has been given a Blackberry, which they will put in holsters on the side of their pants, and between each pitch signals on whether to bunt, steal, hit and run, etc. will be relayed via Twitter. But on the first night of the new implementation, Francona couldn't resist having a little fun by playing a prank on Dustin Pedroia.  "Pedey's on second base, right there in the middle of the field, and I tweet him to pull his pants down," Francona explained, guffawing loudly.  "And he does it! Funniest thing you've ever seen!"

"We plan to speak to Terry about the proper use of Twitter," Theo Epstein explained, while sending a tweet to Francona that read, "Your job will be gone if you don't learn to tweet properly."
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Michael Jackson was Scheduled to Sing at Birthday Party of Manny Ramirez

The news of the passing of Michael Jackson sent shockwaves throughout the world yesterday, and no one was more saddened than former Red Sox slugger, and confirmed steroid cheater, Manny Ramirez. As Manny left for LA yesterday after completing a minor league rehab, reporters informed him that Jackson was dead.

"Who's gonna sing at my birthday now?" Ramirez reportedly asked. "The guy has his own version of "Happy Birthday to You" all ready, man.  It was gonna be a crotch-grabbing, moonwalking, hee hee hee, Happy Birthday. Oh, man.  Luckily I got Liberace on speed dial, lemme see if he can do it."

Jackson and Ramirez met years ago at a Mentally Out of Touch Annonymous meeting. "We're both very misunderstood," Ramirez noted. "People think we're crazy just because of silly little things like hanging a child out a window or taking a leak in the Green Monster. Don't judge us dude."

Ramirez then walked away sadly, but turned around suddenly. "Wait a minute! Bubbles, man, he promised me Bubbles! I gotta have Bubbles at my party..."
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Francona and Mills Injured During Ill-Advised Post-Victory Chest Bump

After the Sox recent walkoff victory over the Braves, Terry Francona and Brad Mills--his bench coach and best friend--were particularly excited by the gutsy way the team had played, winning several consecutive series over some of baseball's best teams.  Call of the Green Monster has learned that before they ran out onto the field to congratulate the players, Francona and Mills eschewed their normal handshake, and instead leapt into the air for a celebratory chest bump.  It proved to be an ill-advised decision.

"Millsy's kind of a little bit stronger than me," Francona said, "and he bumped my chest pretty hard. My heart is hanging by shreads as it is, but it literally stopped beating for a couple of minutes before I hiccupped and it kicked back into gear." The situation got worse as Francona stumbled down the dugout steps, spitting out a massive wad of tobacco onto Mills's face. This caused Mills to fall back to the floor and Francona plopped down on top of him, accidentally driving his knee into Mill's groin. Mills was later informed he would never be able to have children again. "It was awful," Mills said, in an unusually high-pitched voice.

After an MRI revealed no structural damage, Francona had a temporary pacemaker put in, and is in a cast that extends from his navel to his shoulders. "Millsy and I held a meeting this morning to discuss our celebratory practices," Francona said, at time grunting slightly from the pain.  "We're going to stick to handshakes from now on."

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Manny, ARod Shocked to Hear of Sosa's Steroid Use

To most of the sporting world, the news that Sammy Sosa tested postive for performance-enhancing drugs was hardly earth-shattering news. In fact, it was greeted with a collective "Ya think?"  But confirmed steroid cheaters Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez both reacted with shock yesterday when the news was relayed.

"Oh, man, lemme tell you, I didn't see that one coming at all, dude," Ramirez said, with a forced look of astonishment, while enjoying a Donald Duck festival on the Cartoon Channel. "Sammy? Man, there were no signs of that at all!  No big muscles, no big rise in homeruns, and no huge head.  I can't believe it, man.  Just when you think you know a guy, huh?""

ARod also expressed his astonishment. "As you know, I had just a brief dalliance with these substances," he said.  "It was part of a lifelong battle I've had with testosterone. But, my goodness, I was shocked to hear about Sammy, although I hardly know the man and have never seen him in person." ARod is known as a close friend of Sosa's, and has played against him several times.

"I can't believe all that's happened with these steroids, dude, it makes me sad," Ramirez lamented. "I mean, Sammy had that great homerun race with McGwire, everyone loved it. Next thing you know, people are gonna be accusing McGwire of using steroids!"

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Dice-K Missing: Sox Pitching Surplus Issue Solved

Terry Francona addressed the media at a hastily arranged press conference this morning and began by telling them he had good news and bad news.  The good news, he enthusiastically told them, was that the Red Sox surplus pitching issue had been solved and that John Smoltz would soon be joining the rotation.  “What’s the bad news?” he was asked.

“Oh yeah,” Francona replied.  “It…uh…kind of seems Dice-K is missing. We called the police this morning, but nobody can seem to find him.  They’ve checked all the flights to Japan, but he wasn’t on any of 'em.  I’m sure he’ll turn up somewhere.  The way he’s been pitching, he probably went out to drown his problems and had too much sake.  We’re checking every alley in town.”

But after the press conference, Call of the Green Monster’s crack security team immediately began an investigation.  The shocking result, revealed here as breaking news, is that former Sox pitcher and avid hunter and outdoorsman Mike Timlin, last night abducted Matsuzaka, believing he was doing an errand of mercy for the team.

“I love the Boston Red Sox and would do anything for them,” the at-times frighteningly intense Timlin told us from his secret bunker.  “I don’t believe a six-man rotation would work, so I’m holding Dice-K for now.  During the next few weeks we will be working on techniques that will help to make him less annoying to watch.  If he learns to forget the nibbling, control his good stuff, and stop putting people to sleep, I may let him return.  Until then…he’s mine.”

When informed of the situation, Theo Epstein shrugged.  “I was willing to give the six-man rotation a try, but the abduction and imprisonment idea isn’t a bad one either,” a pragmatic Epstein said.  “How ‘bout that Mikey Timlin?  Still out there battling for us!  I wouldn’t want to be on his bad side, I’ll tell you that."
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Red Sox and Yankees Wives Brawl During Charity Event

It is, without question, baseball’s greatest rivalry. The Red Sox and Yankees have waged momentous battles through the years that have led to exciting games, raucous fans, and, at times, even some storied fights on the field.  It is intense, it is a feud, and there is seemingly endless tension between the teams.

Yesterday, during a charity event sponsored by wives of Red Sox and Yankees players designed to promote world peace, an ugly brawl broke out between the two factions.  Apparently the wives of Jason Bay and Kevin Youkilis casually expressed their dismay at their husbands getting repeatedly plunked by cowardly Yankee pitchers.  This prompted the wife of CC Sabathia to lift a table and smash it over the wife of Terry Francona—who was with her elderly mother—and the melee was on.  Major League Baseball is investigating and suspensions and fines will follow.

Larry Lucchino, however, seemed somewhat amused by the situation.  “Meowww,” he said playfully when asked.  “Everyone loves a good catfight, and that was one of the best.  And the fact that my wife broke a tea cup over Teixeira’s wife’s head, more than made up for that loser signing with the Evil Empire.”

Major League Baseball also announced that warnings have been given, and that the next joint charity event, raising money to protect violence against women, will be under heavy security.  “It’s bad enough that we’ve got these two teams fighting all the time,” a beleaguered Bud Selig said.  “Now I’ve got to worry about their wives?”
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Report: Squirrel on Field Served to Red Sox in Post-Game Spread

Adults and children alike were amused and entertained during Tuesday night’s Red Sox-Tigers game as they watched in delight at the antics of an adorably cute squirrel as it scampered around the field throughout the game.  Players and fans alike took an obvious liking to the pesky little critter as it went about its merry way.

But delight turned tragedy, as reports today out of Detroit indicate that after the game the Red Sox requested for the squirrel to be slaughtered and served to them as part of the post-game spread.

“It was exquisite, dude!” said an enthused Jonathon Papelbon when asked about the situation.  “Man, they had some honey glaze on that thing, and it was marinated real nice.  And hell, last night’s game it wasn’t distracting nobody, was it?”

Tim Wakefield, an avid hunter, planned to shoot the squirrel with his cross-bow between innings, but was talked out of it by Terry Francona.  “If Timlin was still here, he’d of been eating the little guy raw after the first inning,” Wakefield grumbled.

Animal rights activists were horrified, but a Tigers spokesman said the slaughter was carried out in humane fashion.  “At the players’ request, Larry Lucchino approached us and made the request,” the spokesman said.  “The squirrel was strangled quickly, and with only a moderate struggle.  Its family can live with memories of that magical night when the little guy scampered around to the delight of everyone.”

Lucchino, meanwhile, had no regrets.  “I snuck into the clubhouse and got a leg,” he said. “Fenway Franks are made of basically the same stuff, but this was even better.”

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Proactive J.D. Drew Goes on DL with Anticipated Tweak

In a measure Terry Francona called brave and selfless, J.D. Drew went on the DL this morning announcing that it was a proactive move in anticipation of an upcoming “tweak.”  While Drew has spent significant time on the DL in his career, this marks the first time that anyone in baseball history has made this kind of move to tend to an injury before the injury actually happens.

“Ya gotta give J.D. a heck of a lot of credit for doing this,” Francona stated.  “He kind of felt some…I guess you’d call it nuances or maybe even a premonition that he was gonna tweak something.  When you’re dealing with that, the DL is probably the best move you can make. The guy's a warrior.”

Drew said that there was little point in trying to work through the injury, even though it hadn’t happened yet.  “I’m a pretty tough dude when it comes to injuries,” a determined Drew said to the baffled media gathering, “but if you feel a tweak coming on, you have to take proper precautions.  I tweaked my back last season and missed two months.  By going on the DL now, I’m really sacrificing my body for the team.”
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Report: With Drastic Cuts to Sox’ Water Budget, Francona’s Saliva is Saving Fenway Grass

The slumping economy has hit everyone hard, and the Boston Red Sox are not immune.  While the team is trying to be careful on issues like payroll, they have slashed budgets in many departments.  One of the areas the team has had to cut back on is the huge amount of money budgeted to watering the fields several times a day.  When the cuts were made it was feared that the field would no longer feature the pristine beauty that makes it so striking.  But that has not happened.

“I know I often say that Terry Francona’s chewing habits may be the single most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed,” Larry Lucchino said recently, “but there is no doubt the saliva he hucks out during the hours he spends on the field has saved our grass.”

Director of Grounds Dave Mellor agrees.  “He’s been phenomenal, and can eject saliva at the speed and volume of an average sprinkler system,” Mellor stated.  “Tobacco, being essentially a waste product, works as a sort of fertilizer, and the various seeds and nuts and whatever else he chews and spits out all help the grass to thrive.  He’s our own little Mother Nature.”

Francona, meanwhile, says it’s all part of chipping in any way he can.  “When they told me how much it was helping, I kind of picked up the pace a little bit, and started slinging the spit in greater volume,” he said.  “I cover an awful lot of ground out on that field and if I can save us a few bucks by hucking a few extra loogies, hey, it’s my pleasure.”
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National Weather Bureau Exploring Allegations Sox Create Artificial Rain Delays to Boost Concessions

On a recent sun-soaked evening, at Fenway Park, with blue skies all around, fans were mystified when, just before gametime, with alarming suddenness, black skies rolled in and it began to pour.  A four-hour rain delay ensued, before the game was finally called off.  A strange weather pattern?  Not according to the National Weather Bureau.

“On the particular day in question, there was no rain in the area,” said meteorological source. “We can confirm that there was zero precipitation.”  He confirmed that an investigation was underway, though hinted that it could be called off if free Red Sox tickets were offered.

“Well there might have been zero precipitation, but it sure rained like hell,” said Tom Werner, before being pushed out of the way by Larry Lucchino.  “It’s a well known fact that there are very peculiar weather patterns at Fenway," Lucchino said, while showing some indecipherable diagrams of clouds surrounding the park.  "The Green Monster, because of its height, has been known to trap certain weather systems passing by, and hence the rain delays we often run into.  Believe me, they annoy me just as much as the fans. Of course, I retreat to my luxury box while fans get herded like sheep to the concessions.”

But later, after being coaxed to the Call of the Green Monster offices with promises of Johnny Walker Blue scotch—which, in fact, was merely a $1.99 bottle of Kappy’s Special poured into a stolen empty bottle of Johnny Walker Blue—Lucchino spilled to COTGM that, in fact, the Red Sox have devised a way to manufacture rain delays for their own purposes.

“We hired a first-rate architect to come in and devise a way for a canvas to be rolled out over the sky,” he cackled in a slurred voice.  “Some of Boston’s finest painters then painted the stormy-sky backdrop, and sound technicians simulate crashing thunder.  There are millions of tiny holes in the canvas, through which we hose in mass amounts of water.  It’s my masterpiece!  I created a rain delay. Doesn't that make me almost like God?”

Lucchino was then asked if perhaps his conscience would persuade him to end this unethical practice.  “Hell no,” he said curtly.  “We’re getting Giant Glass to be the official sponsor of rain delays at Fenway.  Five hours, ten hours, hell, we’ll keep people overnight as long as they keep drinking our beers and eating our food.  Now pour me some more of this fine scotch whiskey!”
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