Call of the Green Monster

Clemens Apologizes for “Non-Sexual” Relationship with Country Star

In yet another confusing apology-filled press conference yesterday, Roger Clemens, acting on complaints that his first “apology” press conference was too vague, tried to get more specific but did little to add clarity.
           “While re-incinerating that I did not use steroids, I want to specifically apologize for having a non-sexual relationship with that woman, Ms. McCready,” Clemens said.  Clemens, then, apparently stumbling with his words somewhat, added,  “It was a mistake being involved non-sexually with her, and one I’d love to correct.”
           A baffled reporter then asked Clemens if he was in fact saying that he regretted not having sex with McCready, and would like to now.
           Clemens, a thin line of sweat forming over his lip, looked over at his lawyer Rusty Hardin, who was preoccupied with prying a speck of tobacco from his teeth, and seeing if he could successfully fling it into his coffee cup.
           “Well,” Clemens said carefully, “hell, I’m a red-blooded man like anyone—but no, I don’t want to be doin’ none a’ that sexualizing stuff like that with her.  Not that I wouldn’t like to.  Hell, that’s some…”
           “Rooooooger,” Hardin finally sang out.  “Remember we’ve talked about the two s’s?  Simple answer, then Shut up. Keep that in mind son.”
           Clemens was then asked if he was claiming that all the other extramarital dalliances that have recently been revealed were also “non-sexual.”
           “Well, that whole wording just gets too confusing to me,” an increasingly nervous Clemens said.  “I mean, if you got some girl and you…”
           “Non-sexual! ” Hardin interjected.  "Simple answer, folks.  Lots of friends, lots of beautiful women--incredibly beautiful, in fact, women--but no sex."
            A media member, trying one last approach, asked, “Getting back to Ms. McCready.  Is it true she was only 15 when your…relationship…began?”
            “Look, man,” Roger replied, “I come from Katy, Texas.  Ain’t more’n a dozen or so people can read there.  In Katy, you learn that if you see some pretty young thing, you don’t get into details like, ‘How old are you?’  Most a’ them folks don’t even know how old they are.  You don’t worry ‘bout that stuff; you see somethin’ you like,  you just…”
           “The two s’s Roger!” Hardin shrieked out, ending the press conference, and motioning his assistants to get Clemens out of the room.  “Damn, if this boy can’t get outta his own way.  Why won’t he just tell everyone he took that HGH and we’ll be done? Andy Pettitte ain’t no smarter than a small puppy, but he handled it right.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Jim Leyland Lights Two of His Players on Fire

Near tragedy struck in the clubhouse of the Detroit Tigers last night after another loss to the Red Sox when two Tigers’ players were lit on fire while sitting near their lockers.  Gary Sheffield and Magglio Ordonez were grieving after the game by themselves when they noticed that someone had set their shoelaces on fire, and the flames were quickly spreading.  Screams filled the clubhouse and panic ensued, but thanks to the handy work of teammates, they were able put out the flaming players with a fire extinguisher. Inexplicably, Sheffield then punched the teammate who saved his life, blaming him for dousing him with the foam from the extinguisher.  “You ever heard of water?” he reportedly screamed.
           Manager Jim Leyland apparently had told his struggling team after the game that he wanted to light a fire under them, and apparently meant it literally.  With the exception of a three-game sweep in Yankee Stadium earlier this year—no big accomplishment—the team has had few highlights.  While Tigers’ publicists tried to explain that Leyland, who smokes about six packs a day, simply tossed an errant cigarette in the direction of the players, the manager was having none of that.   
          “It wasn’t no cigarette,” the interminably grouchy Leyland said. “I picked those two guys because they’re our biggest stars.  We were picked to be the best team in baseball, and we stink.  I’m sick of losing.  Let’s see if this gives us a spark, so to speak.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Many Sox Fans Admit Being Frightened by Hair of Sullivan Tire Guy

Fans have seen the ads on tv for years now.  The ubiquitous Sullivan Tire Guy, with his spooky weirdo hair style waving in the breeze, engaged in the cheesiest of ads with various Red Sox figures.  Many fans have candidly admitted to being frightened by the man’s appearance. Yesterday, during a candid moment, Terry Francona, who has appeared in some of the ads, admitted the Sullivan Tire Guy has unsettled him also, to say the least.
           “I’m tellin’ ya, that guy gives me the creeps,” said the frightened-looking manager.  “I mean, he’s always making these weird connections between Sullivan tires and playing for the Red Sox.  What the hell do tires and baseball have in common?  And, look, I’m a man with no hair, but whatever the hell that guy has flying off his skull I wouldn’t want.  It’s like some bizarre parachute stuck to his head.  He looks like that “Back to the Future” guy.”
           Francona also found it unsettling to work with the man and his family.  “Every time I turned around, the guy was standing behind me, with that weird look on his face holding some tire,” he said.   “He'd say strange things like, ‘There’s a special power in tires.  Be the tire.’  And those kids in the ads, they kind of spook me out too; they look like some androids or something.  They made them look polite, always saying, ‘Excuse me, Mr. Francona…’ but they were little monsters, running through the clubhouse throwing things all over the place.  I told those kids to stay the hell outta my office, and they ran off crying.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

John Henry Fined for Making Menacing Gang-Related Gestures During Sox Game

  Fresh off the incident with Paul Pierce of the Celtics being fined for supposedly making a menacing gang-related gesture toward the Atlanta Hawks, Bud Selig acted swiftly early this morning by fining John Henry $25,000 and warning him for making menacing gang-related gestures toward the Toronto Blue Jays bench last night.
           “He made a very menacing gang-themed gesture,” said Selig, who claims his own paperboy’s uncle’s mechanic had a friend who was once of a member of the notorious Bloods gang.  “I know a lot about the gang culture, and I won’t let it infiltrate baseball.  Henry doesn’t fool me.  He’s not bringing that element to this gloriously pure sport.”
            Henry, however, was incredulous when informed.  “Gangs?  Bloods?  Crypts?  Gracious, I know nothing of such things,” he said.  “It sounds positively dreadful.”
            When asked to clarify what gesture he was making toward toward the Toronto bench, Henry smiled as he realized the confusion.  “Why, the Royal Duke of Ontario and his splendid Duchess were sitting in seats near the Toronto dugout, for goodness sake,” he laughed.  “I was just motioning them to join me for tea after the game!”
            When informed, Selig said he would review the tape but was unconvinced.   “Henry’s a banger,” Selig said.  “Just look at him.  It tells you all you need to know.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Report: Sean Casey Not Nearly as Nice as People Say

He is known as “The Mayor,” and player surveys have revealed new Red Sox Sean Casey is considered to be the nicest player in the game of baseball today.  With the shining smile, friendly demeanor, and press reports of unprecedented off-the-field acts of kindness, it’s hard not to root for him.  But Call of the Green Monster has learned that all is not what it seems.
          “He sleeps some mornings until 4 or 5 o’clock before getting down to the homeless shelter to volunteer eight hours before going to the ballpark,” a source revealed.  “Yeah, big Mr. Charity needs his sleep, I guess.  Also, the guy brought chicken and fish to local food pantries: where’s the fillet mignon?  How about champagne?  Where’s the compassion?”
           A source also revealed that when entering the clubhouse yesterday, Casey said hello to the attendant, but only gave a moderate smile.  Call of the Green Monster later learned that Casey had heard about a family tragedy just moments before the incident, but that hardly seemed an excuse for his rude behavior.  “So what?” said the attendant, who admits that Josh Beckett typically shoves him into a wall when entering the clubhouse, and Mike Timlin shoots bb’s at him.  “If this guy is supposed to be Mr. Nice, I want that smile no matter who died in his family.”
           Casey, when questioned, agreed that he has work to do in terms of being a better person.  “While I have opened three housing complexes for the homeless in the short time I’ve been in Boston, there are still people living in the streets, and I take full blame for that,” a despondent Casey said.  “At the same time, the hunger rate has dropped 66 percent due to initiatives I’ve taken—but so much more could be done.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and just see a monster.  But, remember, I’m also a baseball player.  That takes some time too.”
           While Terry Francona adamantly states he has had no problems with Casey and likes him, he agrees that the public perception of Casey may be a bit generous.  “I just think all this “save the world” crap has its limits,” Francona snapped.  “I want the guy to play baseball and win games for the Red Sox—so, yeah, I think he’s a little selfish.  Helping people in need?  Relieving suffering?  Baseball first, pal.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Exclusive: Rampant Sickness in Sox Clubhouse Linked to Old Trot Nixon Hat

The sickness that has gone through the Red Sox clubhouse through the past few days has been troubling to say the least.  Terry Francona has been calling regular press conferences to tell people about the various gastro-intestinal problems of his players, at times using terms so explicit that he has in turn sent nauseated reporters running from the room.  With seemingly no end in sight, a member of the decontamination crew yesterday made a breakthrough discovery.
           “Yesterday afternoon one member of the decontamination team was cleaning behind some of the lockers, and found one of Trot Nixon’s old hats back there,” said a grim Larry Lucchino.  “That hat was the single most vile, disgusting, sickening thing I have ever laid eyes on—and that man wore it every day.  Now, it had two years to fester.” He paused for a moment, face ashen, appearing to have trouble controlling his emotions. “There are some things you see that are so disturbing they stay with you the rest of your life.  I tell you my friends, that hat was filthy, crawling with parasites and God knows what else, and has sickened dozens of Red Sox employees…I’ll just never be the same.”
           Experts were immediately able to link the rampant sickness in the clubhouse to Nixon’s hat.  Moments after the announcement was made, a shocking call came to the clubhouse.
           “It was Nixon, and if you can believe it, the man was actually requesting the hat back,” said an openly weeping Lucchino.  “He still wanted to wear it.  That’s even more disturbing, but it does tell you a little about Trot’s legendary cleanliness.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Report: Actual Clam Found in Fenway Clam Chowder

Late last evening the National Seafood Commission (NSC) informed the Boston Red Sox that an actual piece of a clam had been found in a bowl of Fenway Clam Chowder.  The Red Sox immediately announced a press conference.
           “For those doubters out there, this should answer all questions,” a beaming Larry Lucchino said.  “It has been proven.”
           A puzzled John Henry began to say, “But that’s actually impossible; I signed the order that no clams were to be…” before Lucchino kicked him in the shins to silence him.
           The NSC spokesman then clarified that clams were not universally found in samples of Fenway chowder, and that it is quite possible that a microscopic piece slipped through a thin net that might have been designed to keep clams out in order to keep costs down.
           “That’s far more information than we need, thank you,” Lucchino said, concluding the press conference.  “In summary: there are clams in Fenway Clam Chowder.  You might have to look around a little, but what the heck…it’s like your own little sea adventure.  It's part of the fun of it.”
           The NSC spokesman continued, “Now we found that the broth of the chowder is actually 99 percent water, dyed white to look like…”
          “End of press conference!” Lucchino shouted, calling in security guards to remove the spokesman.  “For cripes sake we call the guy in to confirm that there’s a clam in our chowder, and he’s trying to give his own personal seafood manifesto.  It’s worse that listening to Theo justify trading for Doug Mirabelli. Get him out of here!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Pope's Shocking Message to Yankees: "No Forgiveness for You!"

It has truly been a historic visit to America for Pope Benedict, punctuated by a mass said in Yankee Stadium--a true display of his willingness to suffer for others--on Sunday.  Benedict has used his visit to the U.S. to address the horrible abuse scandals of the church, to spread fellowship with other faiths, and most of all, to preach a heartwarming message of forgiveness.  But in front of 50,000 New Yorkers at the mass, many wondering why no beer was being served and why there was a surprisingly low number of fistfights in the crowd, Benedict offered a startling message.
           “The Yankees organization has almost single-handedly ruined the great game of baseball,” he ranted, “from the outrageous actions of George Steinbrenner and now his shameful son Hank, to this team's rampant use of performance-enhancing drugs that assuredly has fueled many of their championships. So my message to the New York Yankees is very direct: no forgiveness for you!  You can go say 3 million Hail Mary’s for all I care, but it would simply be unconscionable of me to offer forgiveness to the likes of you.”
           When asked afterward if the Pope was being too harsh, and that forgiveness is a virtue and a quality that should always be within the reach of those willing to change.
           “These monsters have no intention of changing!” the testy Pope roared.  “If Steinbrenner wanted to change he wouldn’t have put that monster Hank Steinbrenner in charge.  My goodness, that man is evil personified--he scares me.  Besides, you forget that I have good sources,” he said, looking toward the sky.  “I know what this organization has done for years.  They’re lucky I don’t send a 40-day flood to wash them all away.  No, there will be no forgiveness for the Yankees.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Jerry Remy Plans to Do All Commentary From His Living Room This Season

He has become a broadcasting legend; a man with legions of fans who have sworn allegiance to him and would die for him at a moment's notice.  Take a plain white tee-shirt and put on the name RemDawg, and you can sell it for thirty dollars on any street corner in Boston.  Jerry Remy can do no wrong in Boston—and he knows it.  And now Remy plans to start a new policy that will challenge the folks at NESN to see just how much of Remy’s diva-like qualities they can take.
           “From now on, I’m not actually going to be going to any games this year,” Remy from his living room in Weston, a room he seldom leaves.  “What the hell for?  Why do I have to fight traffic, take that long walk to the booth, and sit next to that obnoxious slob Don Orsillo every night?  Can anybody tell me what I can accomplish sitting in some grimy broadcast booth--where I can't smoke my three packs a night, by the way--that I can’t do watching the game right here in my living room?  Same thing—no Orsillo.  And I don’t need any producers giving me directions.  For crying out loud, you watch a play, and you tell all the imbeciles watching the game what just happened.  They think you’re giving them some great insight, and everyone’s happy.”
           Larry Lucchino is reportedly delighted with the idea.  “We’ll save all his travel costs—Jerry rings up quite a budget ordering those chicken nuggets from room service every day—and we’ll have a cardboard cut-out in the booth so the fans will never know the difference.  The RemDawg is really thinking outside the broadcast-box,” he said, cackling wildly at his own joke.  “I love it!”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Some Players Feel Beckett Used Excessive Force in Killing Clubhouse Cockroach

For some Red Sox players, it was a frightening incident.  Josh Beckett, known for his mercurial temper, returned to the locker room after a workout the other day, only to find a cockroach crawling across his sandwich.  In killing the insect, many felt he used excessive force.
           “Some felt he could have just knocked it to the floor and stepped on it,” said a clubhouse worker, who said clubhouse cockroaches can range anywhere from two inches to three feet in size.  “This was one of the smaller ones.”
           Instead, Beckett repeatedly pounded his fist into the creature, breaking through part of the wall, while screaming, “Don’t…ever…touch…my…food!”  Although the cockroach was clearly dead after the first strike, it was estimated Beckett threw 70 punches in all.  He had reportedly taken out a fire torch, but was restrained by teammates.
           But he wasn’t done.  Beckett then took the mangled cockroach corpse and got a hammer and nailed it to the wall.  He then posted a message, warning other cockroaches that the same fate could happen to them.  Some cockroaches did gather around their mangled comrade in a moment of solidarity and mourning, before an enraged Beckett attacked them.  The cockroaches were able to quickly scurry to safety.
           “Yeah, he went too far,” said Dustin Pedroia.  “But that’s Josh.  That same fire won us four post-season games last year.  And lemme tell you, the things he does to rats?  I...I...just wouldn’t feel comfortable telling you.”
           Terry Francona said he planned to speak to Josh about the incident.  “We all hate cockroaches,” he said, “but while I understand Josh was mad, I think he went a too far with the l’il fella.  We sprayed his locker and put some traps in there, so we’re going to try to prevent this from happening again.  Beckett, however, was still steamed."
          “They better stay away from my locker,” he threateningly fumed.  “You think that’s the worst thing I can do to a cockroach?”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com